Deeper Still Louisville, KY

A few months ago, my local church hosted a simulcast with Priscilla Shirer. She is a mother of three young children who ministers to women all over the country. During that seminar, three of us decided it would be awesome to go to the Deeper Still conference coming up in Kentucky. Started in 2008, Deeper Still was a conference in which Kay Arthur, Beth Moore, and Priscilla Shirer ministered to several thousand women over a two day event. The conference coming up in Louisville was to be the last one ever to be held. Within days, we had our tickets purchased, rooms booked, and travel plans made. I was beside myself with excitement to spend a weekend bathed in the Word, with no other responsibilities at home to become entangled with.

I have been to several conferences over the years in my Christian life, but none of them have compared to this past weekend. There is something about breaking down the barriers of denominations (which personally, I think God hurts to see His people so deeply divided in this way) and worshipping as one body in Christ. It's like a hint of what's to come in Heaven- a place that I am ECSTATIC to see and experience for eternity.

I learned so much this weekend, and fell even more deeply in love with my Savior. I took notes like crazy, excited to keep them for future reference. I even read over them again Saturday night before going to bed in our hotel. Sadly though- I can't find my notes!! I even called the hotel while on the road to home once I realized they were missing, but the staff said that even after searching the maid's trash, they couldn't locate my book of notes anywhere. I'd like to think that God purposed for someone else to find and read them, and point that person to Himself. I'd hate to think I was simply irresponsible in losing them, and that no one will benefit from the notes! Thankfully I paid close enough attention to remember most of what was said by the speakers. I want to share so much, so this may end up being a three part blog series. I hope you don't mind!

That first night Kay Arthur spoke on God's love. She took us to Malachi, where the Lord told His people that He loved them. The people responded accusingly, "In what way have You loved us?" The Lord then patiently went on to explain just exactly how He loved them. And then, He was silent for the next four hundred years, leaving them His Word to recall His love for them. Until one day, an angel appeared to a man named Zacharias to announce the birth of John the Baptist,forerunner of Christ; and another angel, Gabriel, appeared to a man named Joseph, and announced the birth of a Son, Jesus, whose kingdom will have no end. I John 4:10 says, In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitation for our sins." Ms. Arthur expounded on Christ's sacrifice on the cross, describing in detail the physical torment He experienced that day, His body literally being ripped to shreds, His flesh hanging in ribbons. He was whipped, beaten, spit upon, and mocked. He was marred beyond recognition. At any point He could have summoned 10,000 angels- but He didn't. He went through it, even the death of the cross, for all for us.  All for me. All for you.

The point of Ms. Arthur's message was this: Do you question God's love for you? Or do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, He loves you? If you do have doubts, you should also doubt whether you are truly saved. Anyone who has accepted Christ as their Savior understands His sacrifice, and His love- His deep, profound, breath-taking love for us. Oh, reader, how He LOVES you and me. He took our sin upon Him on that cross, so that we may have life in Him! When I sit and really think of His love, my eyes overflow with tears and I am overwhelmed. I have NO doubt of His love. God in His soverignty allows negative things to happen to us, and we may not always understand, but know this: HE. LOVES. YOU. He loves you!!! "In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him."( I John 4:9) I pray that anyone reading this who does not trust Christ will be stirred inside to know more, to seek Him, and to trust Him.

During Friday night's message, one verse kept resonating with me: I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." It was one of those things that as I listened, that phrase kept popping up- "There is no fear in love...perfect love casts out fear..." I would say that the verse repeated in my mind almost to the point of annoyance. I even prayed, "Yes Lord, I know- I trust you!" I have made strides in trusting my children in His hands, and I couldn't understand why He wanted me to pay attention to that verse, especially when it was evident that was not the main point of Ms. Arthur's message.

Later that night, I texted Bill before bed to see whether he was still working. The kids were sleeping at my parents', and I knew that Bill didn't like coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in our bed without me. The day that our oldest child Brooke was born, Bill wasn't allowed to stay overnight with me in the hospital, and so he gave my mom our bed that night because he didn't want to sleep in it without me. So sweet, huh? So I assumed Friday night he'd work as late as possible. He texted back he was working, and I asked him to text me when he got home. I later woke up at 3am and noticed he never texted me. I sent him a message, and no response. I immediately started praying, and I John 4:18 popped in mind. "I know Lord," I prayed, "he's in Your hands, but the human part of me is scared! Please let me know he's alright!" I've experienced instant peace before, and have felt the Lord telling me all was ok- but He didn't provide that peace this time. That made me even more scared and freaked out. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't, waiting for him to text. I tossed and turned and prayed the rest of the night. At 6:00am, I began calling and texting like crazy, but no response. I even called OnStar to locate our vehicle- the operator would only tell me that the airbags had not been deployed (small reassurance) but wouldn't tell me the location of the car unless the police were involved. I then called our neighbor to see if his car was in the driveway, but it wasn't. Bill doesn't have a desk job, and getting hurt with no help around is a true reality, so at this point I was pretty freaked out. I was keeping it inward, and my friend Kelly did her best to help reassure me, but I just wanted the knot in my stomach to go away. I tried calling the local police, but Bill works out of a very small town, and no one was answering at the station. I was running out of ideas, short of calling 911.

Before we went downstairs to breakfast, my friends gathered around me to pray. I immediately started hysterically sobbing. I was so scared I was going to be left without a husband, and my children without their father. I knew God's love and that He would provide, but that is not at all what I had pictured for our family. As they prayed, I felt myself calm down, but I still didn't feel peace inside that he was ok. So I started to mentally prepare for the worst.

Finally, at 8:00am, Bill texted that he was ok. He had worked through the night, and hadn't wanted to wake me. He never heard his phone that entire night. I was so relieved to know he was ok! I went immediately from that experience back to Freedom Hall where the conference was held, to hear a woman named Tammy Head lead the morning devotion. She spoke from Luke 2, about a woman named Anna. The Word says she was a widow of 84 years, and that she never departed the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. She went from being married, to suddenly having no husband at a young age, yet she continued to worship God. Tammy then spoke about an experience on a recent vacation, in which she stood on the beach, worshipping God, and then felt God lead her to some commotion on the beach where a man had been dragged out of the water, not breathing. With God's leading, she prayed over him that he may live through this. Instead, sadly the man died. Then, right after that experience, she went to a massage that her husband had previously scheduled. Tammy said, that's how life in Christ can be. We go from worship to warfare, then back to worship. I just sat in awe that this was the message I was hearing. The night before, I was worshipping with thousands of women, feeling the power and presence of the Holy Spirit heavily among us, then right into a night of fear and worry, and then straight back into worship again. I almost had to laugh out loud from the perfect timing- God was talking directly to me. He had tried to prepare me the night before for what I was about to experience, pointing out I John 4:18 to me over and over. What a glorious God I serve. I doubt I will never fear again- as I said, I am human and far from being perfect, but I pray that I will continue to trust Him more, no matter the outcome He has in store. I am treasured by the God of this universe, and that is enough.

Eight Years and Counting

A couple days ago, Bill and I were talking about infidelity in marriages and the ways it tears families apart. Statistics show that Christian marriages are just as affected as non-Christian marriages, and that to me is scary. Later that day we went shopping with the kids, and as we were getting out of the car, Bill paused and asked if I remembered what we talked about earlier. When I said yes, he looked me in the eye and said, "Just know that I would never do that to you or to the kids." I already knew that, but to have him lock eyes with me and say it, meant so very much to me.

Neither one of us are perfect, and I'd be naive to think that our marriage is foolproof against adultery. Satan doesn't attack those that he already has a grip on- he goes after people he can bring down and ruin their testimony. Men and women of God need to be ever vigilant against such an attack. However, that being said, there is no excuse- sin is a choice by free will, and God always prepares a way of escape. I Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Bill and I have an agreement that if either one of us  were ever to become tempted in this area, we immediately talk about it and deal with it then, instead of allowing any opportunity for a thought to become more than just that. We have been faithful to each other for each year of our marriage and relationship, and as long as God stays in the center, we will continue on this same road.

Today Bill and I celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary. I am blessed with a hard working man who loves God, respects me, adores me, speaks kind words, is an ever-patient father, plays with our children, does not yell but disciplines them with patience and love, and wants the very best for our family. My dad has always told me that he and my mom pray daily for me, and I know that part of their answered prayers came in the form of my husband. I love you, sweetheart. I too wouldn't want to travel this journey with anyone else.



Three Year Blessings

I held my breath while the ultrasound tech waved the wand over my belly. I was pretty sure she'd say pink- I already had two little girls at home, and couldn't imagine that it would be any different this time around. Then she pointed at the screen, and I knew what she was about to say. "It's a boy." A boy? As in dirt and worms, loud and hyper? As in no dresses, frills, or nail polish? What would I do with a boy?? I felt a twinge of disappointment. My girls would always need me for girl talk, but wouldn't a boy drop the need for his mommy as soon as he hit adolescence? All of these thoughts rushed in within a split second. And then I looked over at Bill. The smile said it all. He loves his girls more than life- he is wrapped around their little fingers- but now he had a son. Even if all my "fears" came true, his joy right there was worth it.

About three months later, Isaac came into the world. It was the dream birth experience I'd always hoped for, and will never forget. I delivered him in a water birth at a small birth center, surrounded by friends and family. I started to cry the instant I pulled him up to my chest and held him close. As I snuggled with him in bed a short time later, I knew that life with a son was something I'd be forever grateful for. I am struggling for a way to put it into words. I love all of my children equally, but each one brings something different to me. For Isaac- he's the mixture of rough and sweet that only a little boy could bring. As much as he runs from me and rubs off my kisses, I know he loves me deeply. On his last night of being a two year old, I tucked him in to bed and started to cry. My mind went back to the birth center where I first fell madly in love with him. I remembered holding him while watching Bill cut the cord- the first of many moments I would have to let go of a part of him. As the tears fell down my cheeks last night with the memories overwhelming me, Isaac sat up in bed, kissed my tears and wrapped his little arms around me.

Isaac- I love how you call me "mama". I love how you lay in my bed in the morning, put your nose up to my face and loudly whisper. "MAMA. spugebob." (Spongebob.) You pretend to not like my kisses, and immediately rub them off. You try to be strong and hide your crying when your feelings are hurt. One of your favorite books is Llama Llama Misses Mama, and you get very emotional throughout each page- I can tell you are feeling little llama's pain as his mama leaves him at preschool for the first time. You ask both daddy and mommy to read your Matchbox Cars book to you each night. And mommy is so very proud of you for how well your speech has improved in the past year. Just the other day you woke up and said, "I go downstairs and play, mama." Even just three short months ago I wouldn't have imagined being able to hear you say that much. You love to cook, and enjoy baking cookies with mommy nearly every day.

To say "I love you" doesn't seem like strong enough words. You are my precious, precious son, and I am so blessed to have you in my life. XOXOXOXO



Life and Loss

Sorry readers- I had no idea it had been this long since I'd last posted. My entire family spent a total of two weeks battling the flu, and the sleep deprivation has been taking its toll. I've also been saddened that so many people close to me have suffered loss or near-loss of family members in a wide array of circumstances- so to blog about something funny my kid said just seemed a bit frivolous.

So on to the post. I've had the idea for this blog post for a few months now, but didn't know quite how to articulate it. But when God reveals something to you over and over and in so many different ways, there comes a time to perk up the ears and listen. The idea first took form after I watched an episode of Oprah late last year; it was about a man who lost his entire immediate family - his wife and two daughters- in a horrific way. They were tortured, raped, and then burned alive inside the family home. As I watched that show and saw the empty shell of a man still in tremendous pain years later, I wondered how I would have made it through such an experience. If I lost my children and husband- would I get up in the morning? How could I brush my teeth, let alone step out the front door? Yes, I have Christ in my life who gives me all the strength I need to handle any circumstance, but would I even have the desire to go on? My instinct was that I would just curl up and wait to die.

Not long after I watched that episode, some of the ladies and friends from my church got together for a shopping retreat- something I hope we do again soon!!- and our devotions circled the theme of idol worship. Not the kind of idols that look like voodoo dolls or wooden statues- but as in anything that takes priority away from God. Throughout the weekend I battled the question- are my children my idols? Do I think about them, interact with them, and prioritize them above all else- even my God of Heaven? Children are a treasure and a blessing- Christ calls them the apple of His eye- and they require a great amount of time, love, and energy. That's not what I'm talking about. I am asking if I consider my life without them meaningless- that Christ does not fill me, but rather my children do. If they were suddenly taken away from me, would I consider my life even worth living?

Since that retreat, a couple I know through college had to bury their precious son. I haven't seen either of the parents in several years, but seeing their comments through facebook about Christ and the strength He'd given them left me astounded. Such a beautiful legacy of a life touched by a Savior.

More recently, a wonderful lady I know from my local church lost her son in the line of duty protecting our country. I won't mention her name because my blog isn't private, but I can say with all sincerity that she is the strongest woman I have ever witnessed come through such a tragic event. She gets up every morning, studies her Bible, and encourages myself and dozens of other women through her daily emails. She is actively walking through the fire, and through only the supernatural strength that Christ alone can bestow, she is proclaiming her Savior throughout our entire community.

In all of this, I have been praying the following: 1. I hope and pray I will never know what it feels like to bury my own child, and that I will not walk without my husband for decades to come. 2. If God sees it differently, and decides to allow such a tragedy, I will live a full life in Christ and bring others to the knowledge of Him in the process. 3. I will cherish each precious day with my family and live life in this order- God first, then family, then money, then things. ( I can't take credit for most of that- thanks Suzie Orman.)

I am currently working through Beth Moore's series Breaking Free. I highly recommend it to any woman, and God's timing through Beth's words just leaves me speechless. The following is taken from Week 5, day 5- the same week our community lost a wonderful young man and his mother who is facilitating our study lost her precious son. ""Nothing is more natural than grief after a devastating loss, but those of us in Christ can experience satisfying life again. When our hearts have been shattered by loss, we have an opportunity to welcome a supernatural power to our lives. It doesn't come any other way. This is the power to live again when we'd rather die. It is a power that displays the life of Christ in us like no other because it defies all odds. God becomes the only explanation for our emotional survival and revival...‎Perhaps the most profound miracle of all is living through something we thought would kill us. And not just living, but living abundantly and effectively-raised from living death to a new life. A life indeed absent of something or someone dear but filled with the presence of the resurrection and the life...When our hearts are hemmorrhaging with grief and loss, never forget that Christ binds and compresses it with a nail-scarred hand. Life will never be the same, but I have the invitation from Christ to rise to a new life - a more compassionate life, a wiser life, a more productive life. And, yes, even a better life." (Beth Moore, Breaking Free series)

Don't Cry Over Dried Laundry

After a six month hiatus, my husband is helping with the laundry again. While this does speak for how much my love cares for me, it speaks even more for how much my postpartum hormones have finally started to normalize. This past January, Bill came under the harsh wrath of my after-baby blues while in the laundry room. He had made what should have been a harmless decision to switch a load of clothes from the washer into the dryer. Little did he know the chaos this would cause my fragile post-delivery brain, only a couple weeks following the birth of our beautiful Lydia. As the dryer came to a stop, I opened the door, and- to my absolute horror- realized the gravity of what my husband had done. In his attempt to help me, he had used regular heat on the normal cycle, and he had used a dryer sheet. A scented dryer sheet. My eyes immediately welled up with tears. I felt panicked. I didn't know what to do as I felt my entire world cave in around me. I knelt to the floor, picked up a warm onesie, and buried my face in it as I wept. My unsuspecting husband walked in at that moment, stunned to see me hysterically crying. My tears then turned to anger as I let him have it- asking him how he could possibly think it was ok to use a dryer sheet with baby items?! Didn't he realize that the high heat would shrink the clothes, and the normal, nongentle cycle would wear them out faster? And what if there had been a stain on something (which there wasn't) but what if there had been and he didn't know it and the hypothetical article of clothing would have then been ruined??? Bill looked at me- a crumpled mess on the floor wearing a milk-stained nightgown now soaked with crocodile tears. He quietly apologized, promising to not ever do laundry again. I wiped away the tears and removed myself from the floor, carrying my unperfectly laundered clothes with me. So last night, when I saw Bill switching clothes from the washer to the dryer, it took me back to that crazy moment. And instead of crumpling up hysterically crying in front of the washing machine, I gave my love a hug and kiss, and thanked him, happy that both my brain and my heart were finally in unison once again.

Just a Minute

My mom told me a funny story several months ago. Brooke had asked for something, and my mom told her "Just a minute." Brooke sighed heavily, and said- "I hope your minute isn't as long as mommy's minute." It made me laugh, but also made me stop and think- do I really do that? Life is so busy, and it's easy to get caught up in the daily stresses, but sometimes the things that are most important- like family- get lost in the shuffle. One of my favorite quotes is "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." So many times I'm frustrated because the kids want to play with me, when all I want to do is pick up the toys from the floor and put away laundry. But here's the thing- I don't want my kids to look back on their childhood and say that I was the mom obsessed with a clean house. I want them to remember that I was a loving mom who gave them my time and attention, with patience and care.

Sara Groves says it perfectly in her song, Just One More Thing. I listened to it in college, but it's taken on a whole new meaning now in my life. I'll leave you with a poem that I read on the wall of my OB's office of my very last prenatal checkup with Lydia. It still makes me tear up. I pray that I never forget the little things, because the "little things" are all that matter in the end.

                               Give me patience when little hands
                             Tug at me with ceaseless, small demands.

                                   Give me gentle words and smiling eyes
                                  To keep my lips from hasty, sharp replies.

                                    Let not fatigue, confusion or noise
                                  Obscure my vision of life's fleeting joys.

So when in years to come my house is still,

Beautiful memories its rooms may fill.

Father's Day Cards

 I was able to find perfect cards for Father's Day, and decided to retell them blog style.

Card #1: from Brooke, Madeline, Isaac, and Lydia to Daddy

What is a daddy?

A daddy helps fix things,

Buys ice cream,

plays games,

He laughs with you,

Hugs you,

And calls you fun names...

And he always finds time that he's willing to spend,

being your daddy

and being your friend!

Card #2: From Me to Bill

You're a husband

to Love and be Proud of

I'm proud when I see how much patience and care you give every day to the family we share-

The kind things you do

and the love that you show-

your fatherly ways mean more than you know...

I'm proud of our home

and the life that I've found with you-

the best husband

and father around.

Happy Father's Day with all my heart.

Card #3: From me to my daddy

Little girls

love their daddies...

Even after they're all grown up.

And to my Heavenly Father,

Thank you for blessing me with a dedicated and loving earthly father who has given me patience, love, understanding, and most of all, his time. He has shown me the fruits of the Spirit in his actions my entire life, and modeled what a Godly husband and father should be. Thank you also for providing me with as equally loving a husband and father to my own children. He is everything I could want in a man and more. Most of all, thank you for Your ultimate sacrifice, Your one and only beloved Son, who died that we should live. I pray that our children will accept Jesus as their Savior as early as they are able to understand, and that one day each one will marry a Godly spouse that will love and care for them as much as we do. I have so much to be thankful for, and am blessed far beyond measure.

Happy Father's Day!!

To the Girl in the Video

Two nights ago I was sitting at the Mac with Bill while he was editing our wedding video. Even though we were married seven years ago today, and Bill himself was once a videographer and edited countless wedding videos for other brides, he is just now getting around to editing our own wedding. I guess the old saying "The cobbler's children have no shoes" is true.

While watching him edit, it amazed me to see how much the two of us have changed in a relatively short period of time. I looked at the young girl on the screen and remembered all her hopes and dreams of their life together. It was surreal to look at her and know her thoughts then, and to now be able see partway into the future she was waiting to unfold. I wanted to tell her that she was about to make one of the greatest decisions of her life. That she would fall even deeper in love with this man standing next to her- that their love would grow stronger with each passing day, that they would speak words of encouragement to each other and never try to tear the other down. That she would lay next to him in bed and excitedly explain that they would soon be parents. That watching a tiny heartbeat on a ultrasound screen and knowing that life grew inside of her is even more wonderful than she imagined. That she would have the greatest privilege of delivering four beautiful babies from her womb and straight into her loving arms. That even though her body on that day was young, perfect, and unscarred, that each of those babies would make their own beautiful marks, each one more important than any tiny bikini ever could be. And that her husband would still find her sexy, scars and all. That she would get her dream of becoming a stay at home mom, and give kisses, wipe smudgy faces, and go shopping with her mom for cute baby clothes.

But the best part, as I sat there with Bill at the computer, is that I don't know the rest of the story. I don't know what other adventures or perhaps even sorrows that I'll be able to tell the girl in the video, but I am ready to keep living and find out. Happy Anniversary, my love! Thank you for making all my dreams a reality. I love you!