First Goodbyes

I need some blog therapy tonight. I was fine all day today- I played with the kids, made cookies, did some laundry, talked to Amy on the phone, spent time with a good friend and neighbor, and then- at 7:00pm tonight, as I put Lydia into her crib for bedtime-it hit me. This is the last time that I will lay an under-one-year-old baby into bed for the night. Ever. As I covered Lydia with her favorite brown and pink polkadot blanket that she has slept with every night since her first two days in the hospital, I started to sob. Crocodile tears- the kind that makes your mascara run. Shoulders shaking, I sat in the kids' bathroom and wondered where in the world this flood of emotion was coming from. Since June of 2006, I have carried a baby either inside of my body or in my arms without ceasing- that is, until tonight. No, Lydia will not miraculously begin to walk and talk in the next few hours, but she will no longer be considered an infant. For the past five years, being the mother of an infant has become a part of my identity- both to myself, and I am sure as well to others- and letting go of that identity is hard. Now listen, before rumors spread- I am not regretting the decision to not have more children- the no-trespassing/eviction notice is forever tattooed on my womb. That chapter is closed and I recognize that. It's just that tonight I'm realizing  this particular moment in time will soon be recaptured only in memories and pictures. The next time I put my hand on a pregnant mother's belly (with permission), I'll remember sitting on the couch in the first house that Bill and I ever lived in as a married couple, watching The Apprentice, when I felt Brooke kick inside me for the very first time; or screaming in line at Wendy's restaurant after the first hard karate kick from Isaac.  I will hold someone else's newborn in my arms, and smell that sweet new baby aroma, and remember back to when that was my own baby; I'll wonder how life passes so quickly, while thinking back to the moment that I met each one of my children for the very first time. I know that love at first sight really exists; I fully understand that, in a single moment a person can feel all of life's pain and then all of life's joys, willing to do it all over again just to hear that precious first cry.

Every first in my babies' lives has become a memory- the first smile, losing the cord, recognizing mama and dada, rolling over, moving out of the bassinet and into the crib in their own room(that has always been a big tear-jerker) sitting up, saying mama, holding a toy in their hand, playing with their siblings, eating solid food... I have loved every single milestone. And now I have to say goodbye to the first- year -of -life milestones. I'm sorry if I sound very dramatic at this point, but this has been my life for more than six years, and the time has truly been like a vapor.

My favorite saying in this part of my life is "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Honestly, I'm doing both right now. I am wiping away tears just so I can see the computer screen, but smiling because I recognize I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve. To Brooke, Madeline, Isaac, and Lydia- being your momma is an absolute honor, and it is a gift from our Father that I do not take lightly. I love you so much, and I look forward to raising you, teaching you, and enjoying each one of your many firsts to come. There will be the first ballet recitals, the first ballgames, the first Kindergarten graduations, the first grade school crushes, and the first sleepovers. You have so much childhood left, and I intend to soak up every second of it. And Lydia, sweet dreams my baby girl. I wonder how you will react to your first taste of cake tomorrow.

Animal Safari

While in Alabama a couple months ago visiting my bestest Amy and her family, we spent several days on various adventures around the area- the Montgomery Museum (FYI- it's closed on Mondays- best to find that out before spending over half an hour trying to locate it with Amy's awesome GPS skills), the Atlanta Aquarium (the largest in the world, and definitely worth the elbow-to-elbow traffic inside) and, most interesting of them all, the animal safari. If sweltering heat and giraffe slobber is your thing, than be sure not to miss this adventure the next time you head south. A big word of advice though- if you plan to not eat at the pizza place indoors, than I would suggest that you not picnic outside with the flies and ants swarming nearby. Your children may end up with more protein in their diet then you had anticipated.

The safari really was amazing, and I only got a smidge cranky once or twice due to the 100 degree heat mixed with the wafting aroma of animal feces. Here are some great pics of the adventure.

I know it's been artfully camoflauged, but if you look carefully enough, you'll see the van that we rode in for the animal safari. 

Eager little guys.

I bet this shot turned out beautifully.

The zebras were seriously gorgeous- if they didn't have such big teeth and excessive slobber, I would have tried to touch one.

Our children didn't know it, but the real reason behind this trip was so that Amy and Stephen could place a down payment on the dowry for our girls.

I'm sorry Amy- I'm sure this isn't your most favorite picture, but I would like to point out how happy and excited I am to be on this great adventure, and yet you yourself are not smiling. Perhaps your memory of my own grumpiness is a tiny bit off. I myself can't wait to return- though maybe in a month colder than August. 

Up and Down

I've been asked several times why I have not blogged in so long, and I'm finally back to explain my absence. It isn't because I became tired of writing, but because I wasn't ready to discuss a recent change in my life. While I don't feel it is a bad change, it is one that has required lots of prayer and reflection on what is best for my family. A few months ago, while working as an adjunct faculty member (teaching one hour a week- no typo: I said one hour) I was approached by the program with a full- time, tenure -track job opportunity. I immediately knew that a full time job outside the home was not an option for me, and let the college know that if they could consider making it part time, that I may be interested. To make a very long story short,  after several phone calls, meetings, negotiating, and praying, the full time position was tailored down to a part time position, and I accepted the job. I was elated- the schedule was flexible, and I would still be able to be active in my girls' elementary school and preschool. Assuming the job would turn into a career, Bill and I would not have to pay for college for our four children (tuition there is free for employees' dependents). Also, while Bill makes a salary allowing me to make the choice to stay home, having an extra income would allow us to pay off the mortgage at a very accelerated rate, which has always been a big wish of ours.

**Before I go further- I want to explicitly say that you will not find anyone less judgemental than me when it comes to "working" mom versus SAHM. I have been on both sides of the fence, and know that there can be overwhelming feeling of judgement from others- no matter what you choose. SAHMs can be made to feel that they "just stay home". (I hate that question, by the way. Don't ever ask a woman, "Do you work or just stay home?") Staying home full time raising children is one of the hardest jobs on the planet, and can be satisfying in and of itself. On the other hand, working moms can feel the condemnation from some SAHMs and other nosy adults. No one should take it upon themselves to imply to a mother that she is wrong in her choice. Wow, I'm rambling, aren't I...Here's my point- the following paragraphs are my own life story, and I do not judge what other mothers do.**

For the first two weeks with my new job, I couldn't stop smiling. I was home the majoirity of the time with my children and picking my girls up from school every day, yet was still getting out in the professional setting, using my degree, sitting at my desk in my own office, and feeling fulfilled in another area of my life. Then, after the honeymoon period wore off, I started wondering if I had made the right choice. It wasn't because I felt my children were suffering (my mom was taking care of them when I was away) but more to do with the fact that my title was gone. I could no longer say, "I'm a stay at home mom." That was more painful than I could ever imagine. Staying home with my children was such a gift- one that I had prayed for even before having children. I loved the fact that I got to be the primary person in my children's life, day in and day out. That isn't to say it wasn't exhausting. Some mornings I felt overwhelmed and burned out by the fact that I had the responsibility to not only take care of the children, but also the house and everything that comes with it- that the job never ends from the time you get up to the time you go to bed. When I first became a full time SAHM while pregnant with Isaac, I secretly struggled with this for several months. Working professionally as a PA, I was consistently commended for my work, and told what a good job I was doing. Suddenly leaving a job outside the home, I missed the affirmation more than ever. When you spend your days wiping noses and folding laundry, your baby isn't going to pat you on the back and say, "Job well done, Mom. That shirt was folded perfectly. And those dishes- wow, spotless."

These conflicting feelings made me wonder if I could ever let myself be content. When I was working, I wanted to stay home. Then I made the choice to stay home, yet consistently checked the want ads for PAs. Now that I was working again...I considered and almost quit twice in the past few weeks, because I was so unsure if I made the right decision. In this whole process, I prayed that if it was meant to be, that all the doors would open, and if not, that the door would slam shut. All the doors, and even windows, opened for me through this whole process. A career that has never been even considered part time in the past, was made so, and every single concern of mine was addressed and taken care of by the college. So to think that God would lay the plan out as such, with Bill and I both in prayer over the situation, I was so confused as to why the doors would open if it wasn't to be so. I will say this- with the exception of one horrible week where everything that could go wrong did, I have absolutely loved this new job, and have become a better mother for it in so many ways. I appreciate my time home with my children more than ever, am more "present" as they say, and still have that little piece of me that is my own apart from my role as mother and wife. I am so very blessed to have this choice to make, and remind myself of that every day.

A very sweet story before I end this post. Our son Isaac has some speech delay (he's not autistic in any way, but simply stubborn), and is working with a therapist. Three words he can say very clearly, and repeats often, is "up and down". When we ask him what he wants to pray for or what song he wants to sing, he says "up and down". Yesterday, while Lydia was napping and the girls were at school, I turned on Sesame Street. It isn't one of the shows he usually watches, and I'm not sure why I even turned it on, except to say that God must have been leading my hand on the remote. The subject of the show: Up and Down. For an entire 35 minutes, Isaac excitedly watched as Elmo talked about up and down, and sang up and down songs. I was floored at first, and then excited that our Lord had answered my little boy's nightly prayer for Up and Down. Thank you Lord Jesus, for using a little puppet named Elmo to make my precious boy's wish come true.

The Night Before Kindergarten

Dear Brooke,

You are sound asleep in bed, after hours of excited anticipation for the morning. Not only are you to be visited by the tooth fairy tonight, you will also be able to finally start kindergarten tomorrow. Mommy helped you pick out a special outfit from your closet tonight, and you helped pack your own lunchbox- applesauce, grapes, Life cereal, pudding, and a juice box. You can write your name, count by tens, read Dr. Seuss books, and recite the Pledge of Allegience. You have not stopped talking about school, and wanted to play school bus and teacher today. I even heard you whisper to your baby sister this afternoon, "It will be so much fun!"

While I know you will be in good hands, make wonderful friends, and have a great time, I have told you that you may see mommy cry happy tears tomorrow. I have protected you around the clock since you were formed in my belly six years ago, and it will be a very different experience to place you into someone else's hands.  I have tried to prepare myself for tomorrow, but a few tears may slip on by. I will be anxiously awaiting in the afternoon to pick you up at school and hear all about your wonderful day. In the meantime, sweet dreams, my baby girl. You are loved more than you know.

Love, Mommy

Tooth Fairy in Training

Last week Bill and I learned how to be a tooth fairy. To Bill's relief, I am sure, it did not involve a tutu- only being able to sneak into a room of five sleeping children without getting caught.

After days of trying to convince Brooke to let us pull a tooth hanging by a thread, she had to explain over and over that she wanted to do it herself, in her own time. As tempting as it was to just yank it out, we wanted to maintain her trust and not do something she wasn't expecting. Here is a pic of Bill checking out the tooth at Amy's house, and then Brooke explaining why he could not pull it for her.

The next day, Amy took us to the Columbus Museum in Georgia. Brooke was in a different vehicle than me, so when we all met up at the entrance, Brooke ran up and asked me to notice what was different. Her tooth was gone!! I was so happy for her that she had been brave enough to let it come out. I took this picture immediately. You can't see the missing tooth spot since it was on the bottom, but you can see how excited she was.

She was definitely excited for the tooth fairy to come that night. I wasn't sure if she really believed that a two inch fairy would bring her gifts, but we played along. Here is what she got for her first tooth. Deflation will follow for the other teeth, I'm sure.

The next morning, Brooke ran excitedly into the bedroom to show us her loot. Later that day while she was sitting on my lap, she talked about the tooth fairy and her toys. She asked me how such a tiny fairy could carry all that loot. I paused, wondering how to respond. I have mixed feelings about Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy...While it is fun to play along, I never want to lie to my child. So I said, "Well, you know that it is fun to talk about the tooth fairy, even if it is just for pretend." I could tell she was annoyed by that response, and said "Yes, mommy, I know that. Now, how do you think she carries all of this stuff?" So she had known all along the tooth fairy was pretend, and was having fun with the fantasy all the same. I laughed, and we came up with different ways she could possibly carry all that stuff. We decided that she shrunk everything to carry it, than brought it back to normal size before she left.

How to carry out the duties of a tooth fairy is what I learned this week. For more on what others learned, visit Julie at Inmates.

A Dream Come True

When something is built up in your mind by someone else, whether it be a restaurant or a book or a movie, usually a small part of you feels let down when you experience it for yourself. I had heard my entire life how wonderful Disney World was, and while I believed it, I was a bit afraid that I would be let down when I finally experienced it for myself. But two weeks ago we took our family to the Magic Kingdom in Orlando, and I found out that Disney is everything that I had heard, and more. So much more. It far exceeded my expectations, and I couldn't stop smiling the entire day. Walt knew a thing or two about how to create magic.

One of the best parts of our vacation was making a dream come true for our little girls. Ever since Brooke and Madeline were able to speak, they have asked over and over to see Cinderella's castle in person. They are infatuated with Disney movies, and every time the castle is shown in the intro, they scream out, "Cinderella's Castle!!!" and occasionally throw in, "Mommy, can we go there??" I would explain that the castle was in a land far, far away, and it costs a lot of money to go there. Mommy and Daddy would save up, and one day they would get to go. When the opportunity to take them for one day finally arrived last month, the excitement was palpable.

We spent one night in a two bedroom suite in Disney's Contemporary Resort, mainly because it had the monorail onsite that would drop us off in the Magic Kingdom in a matter of minutes. The hotel room was absolutely beautiful, and the girls were able to see the castle afar off while walking to dinner. Here they are seeing the castle for the very first time.

There is nothing like being a parent and watching the joy in your child's eyes as you watch a dream come alive. They were so happy and we had not even entered the park yet!! The next morning, Brooke seemed to be the one most excited, because she was old enough to truly understand what would take place that day. She knew she would be meeting the princesses at lunch in the castle, and that she would see Mickey's and Minney's houses. Watching her board the monorail and see her smile is definitely a highlight that I will always have to look back on. Madeline was beside herself with joy when she met Belle, and Isaac was more than happy to fulfill the role of prince, though he seemed more like a pirate when using the sword. I could go on and on about the rest of the day, but I'll leave with a few images instead. I am counting down the days until next year when we get to back for an entire week and experience it all over again.

The first four pictures are of Madeline modeling in the Dumbo ride. She asked her daddy to take these photos prior to leaving the elephant.

Brooke riding the teacup. A classic ride, I know, but one I may have to pass on next year.

Though it may not be clearly evident, Isaac was loving every minute. He cried everytime a ride ended.

Despite a terrible cold, Lydia was a perfect baby the entire day.

My baby girl and her prince.

I was outside with Sleeping Lydia, so I missed this part. My mom and Bill said that Isaac was so excited to see Mickey and Minney that he ran up and gave them both hugs. He also honked Mickey's nose.

Carousel.

This was taken at Cinderella's Round Table lunch. Madeline was beaming. She is infatuated with Belle.

I think Isaac liked Jasmine. He wouldn't pose with any other princess.

Madeline and Grandma on the Nemo ride in Epcot.

While we had planned to stay and watch the electrical parade and fireworks that night, my mom unexpectedly became ill. She fainted from dehydration while in line for the rocket ride, and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. She thankfully recovered a few hours later and was able to leave the hospital before morning. The staff at Disney was absolutely wonderful in taking care of us, and even put us up for another night in the Contemporary Resort for free. I absolutely cannot wait to go back next year. It really is a place where dreams can and do come true.

Turning a New Page

I'm baaa-aack!!! After a two week hiatus, my nightly blogging habit has officially resumed. My family and I have been on a whirlwind tour of Florida, Alabama, and Georgia for the past 16 days,  giving us a much needed break from day to day life, as well as giving me loads of blog fodder for weeks to come. I have so many blog ideas buzzing around in my brain, but tonight I am settling on one in particular- my birthday.

Yesterday, ready or not, I turned in my twenties card in exchange for the big 3-0. Although I wasn't bouncing off the walls from excitement, no tears were shed. It's hard to feel self pity about my age when I have soooo much to be thankful for. When I left for college twelve years ago, I had a life plan organized in my mind. I wanted to earn my degree as a physician assistant, get married to a loving, God-fearing man, have three to four children, buy a home, and raise my family. I am still amazed that God has allowed (yes, allowed) all of this to happen and more. I still have my health- something I don't know even dawned on me to pray for back then,  as well as wonderful parents, sister, and extended family still alive and well. I have amazing friends who I love and respect, and have reconnected with my childhood best friend who I love so very much, maybe more than she knows. So when I sit down and seriously think about all I have been blessed with, how can I feel sad about the number thirty?

Funny side note: The week we were in Florida, just days before my birthday, Brooke asked me  how old I was. I smiled and told her twenty nine, knowing this was probably the last time she would ask me before my big day. Then yesterday, after we cut my birthday cake, Madeline asked her daddy how old he was. Bill was able to still say 29. He likes to say that he married an older woman, even if it is just a difference of 8 weeks. Watch yourself, my love, you aren't too far behind me.

So glad to be back up and writing again! See you all tomorrow night!