Biltmore Estate Field Trip!

I have wanted to visit Biltmore Estate ever since I was in grade school and first heard that there was a real live castle in America. I was a kid obsessed with all things royal, and even though a real king or queen was never part of our country's history, this home came in at a close second. While lesson planning over the summer, I saw that we'd be covering the history of architecture- including castles and cathedrals- during Chapter Two of Weaver's Volume One. I had the fantastic opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Although jetting across the Atlantic to see castles in Europe would have been amazing (and maybe completely unrealistic) I realized it was my chance to finally tour Biltmore. It could even count as an educational experience for homeschool. I mean, what could be better?! I brought up my plan to Bill, and he went for it. I could finally live out my fantasy of living the Downton Abbey life for a couple days! Sign me up for some of that. This is the girl that jumps on room service and valet parking at any given opportunity. I don't care who makes fun of me for it (Amy).

The trip was amazing. On day one we took the general two hour tour and walked around Antler Hill Village. We ate lunch inside the old stable, with tables inside former horse stalls. On day two we took a special architecture tour, and a whirlwind walk through the gorgeous gardens. Asthma and allergies kept us from staying too long in the gardens. I loved every single moment. (Except maybe during the general tour on day one when Lydia started yelling, "I haveta poop! I haveta poop!" over and over again on the grand staircase. No public restrooms inside the house itself, so there was lots of fast walking to the exit. Fun memories.) There's no photography allowed inside the house, so I only have pictures from the outside.

 The architecture tour included the tippity top roof. I was trying very hard not to have a panic attack. Not joking.

 Lydia was loving the house. While holding hands with her daddy walking down the grand staircase, she declared, "I am a princess, and this is my castle." She kept asking us over and over if we liked her castle. That's my girl. 

 She was able to eat food cooked by the chef in Antler Village's restaurant! This is rarely ever possible with all of her allergies. She was super excited.

 Children's maze.

I know the history of this house inside and out, including the Vanderbilt's family history, but I am resisting the urge to spill everything I know in this blog post. I've been getting polite blank stares when I talk about it, so I'm guessing not everyone is as fascinated as me. Though Madeline was just as excited in the history, and is not shy to tell you all about it either. It was a really great learning experience, and I can't wait to visit again one day! 

Time to Celebrate!

We had a mini celebration in our house tonight! 

It was originally planned to celebrate Lydia passing her wheat challenge.

Plans had to change. She didn't pass the challenge, and we also found out about two new allergies to garlic and beef. Yes- beef, as in hamburgers and steak and chili and spaghetti sauce.

I was bummed. Really bummed. Party cancelled. But then the pity party cleared, and I realized we had plenty to celebrate. So- instead of wheat, we celebrated our amazingly blessed life. 

We celebrated living in America. I start each day knowing that I can provide my kids with clean sheets, clean water, healthy food, education, a home, and a whole bunch of other frivolousness that we often confuse with "needs". Lydia has nine different food allergies, and yet I still have an abundance of safe, healthy food to buy for her. 

Yep, lots to smile about!

She was wondering why we were staring at the cake instead of eating it. 

Wheat free, dairy free, nut free, soy free, artificial dye free,  and very, very yummy. Even ultra wheat-free critic mama thought it was good. Namaste chocolate cake mix- allergy friendly, not cheap. 

Prayers for our little girl are always welcome. Her allergies are getting worse, not better- and it can be very frustrating. Bill and I are constantly on alert to protect her. We skip eating out altogether unless we pack her meal separately. Movie theaters feel like death traps with all the peanut M &Ms and buttered popcorn. Meal planning is- well, a challenge. Most of her allergies cause severe rashes, but a few of them do try to kill her. Several weeks ago she took a sip of cow's milk from a cup that somehow made it past my paranoid, watchful eyes, and she reacted immediately. Hives popped up over her face and torso, and by the time I ran her up the steps to shower off her skin, her lips and tongue were swelling. We had to use her epi pens and call 911. Food allergies are no joke. I remind myself every time I start to drown in self pity that I am a child of the Almighty, and she's in His care. I trust Him implicitly.  I also think of the orphans in Haiti and Africa who would look at our life and think we live like royalty.  And that's just looking at material things. There's the story of the poor man who sat at the table with his bread and water, and gave thanks saying, "All this, AND Jesus?!"

What if I woke up tomorrow and all I had left was what I gave thanks for today?

Self pity, go away. Cake tastes way better.

In the Palm of His Hand

So, yesterday was interesting, to say the least. Our church had a pool party in town to celebrate a great week of Vacation Bible School. I was in the baby pool with Lydia and Isaac when I noticed several raised bumps on Lydia's torso. She wasn't crying, and at first I thought maybe a mosquito bit her several times. Then I noticed an obvious sting mark on her wrist, and knew she was reacting to either a bee or wasp. I gave her Benadryl, but it didn't seem to make a difference.Within minutes the hives became bigger on her chest and side, and her lips started to swell. That's when I completely broke down and lost it. I couldn't hold the tears in as the fear overtook me, and I began sobbing. God is so gracious in His care, and I don't think it was an accident that I was surrounded by loving friends who took over for me. One called 911, while others took care of my other three children. Paramedics were there almost immediately, and my heart soon calmed down. Lydia was visibly shaken and scared, and her usually mild tremors were obviously worse. I tried my best to put on a happy face for her, and stopped my own tears. While in the ambulance, peace came over me. I felt the prayers of friends, and I was able to smile and talk to Lydia while helping her stay calm.

To make a long story short, it took two (maybe three, I can't remember clearly) doses of epinephrine, two to three doses of Benadryl, and steroids to bring her back to normal. At no time was her breathing ever compromised. HUGE praise. We went home that night.


I've struggled today to remind myself who's in control. I wish I could keep her indoors 24/7 where I can keep her safe. That's not faith though. That's just wild and uncontrolled fear. I am learning to let go and leave it in His hands. Again.  


Part of me is sad. Lots of tears. Another part is angry at one more way our daughter could possibly die.
As if food, air, and brain function weren't enough methods.


In the weeks leading up to Lydia's recent food allergy testing, I prayed so hard for all of her allergies to be taken away. Part of my prayer was that if it wasn't in His plan to completely heal her, that He would at least remove the shellfish allergy. Random, but that was my prayer. Guess what allergy she no longer has? Her dairy and peanut allergies were even worse, and she has a new allergy to melons, but tears welled up in my eyes when I heard about the shellfish, because I knew He had heard me. It was as if I literally felt Him hold me in that moment, and remind me of His care for both me and Lydia. 


We'll get through this. In the palm of His hand. 

Good News Update

You know what feels really good? Leaving a doctor's appointment with a smile on your face. You know, instead of biting your tongue trying to fight back the tears so your three year old doesn't get scared and ask why mommy's crying. Lydia had appointments with two of her specialists last week, and both couldn't have gone better. Well, except for the part where the doctor looks baffled and explains, "It's a miracle! She's been healed!" Maybe one day. But on this day, her allergist decided to lower one of her asthma medications, and the neurologist was amazed at how quickly Lydia had responded to her seizure medication. She noticed what many others have said to me- it's like Lydia has awakened from a haze. She is more present and engaged in what's going on around her. She talks a lot more, and her vocabulary has probably tripled in the past month. Her preschool teachers say that she walks around and plays with toys instead of sitting and observing the other children the entire time. It's not to say she was a zombie- she is a very bright girl with loads of personality. It's just that she has multiplied those traits many times over since the seizures have been greatly decreased. The neurologist said that her EEG was so jam-packed of seizure activity, that her brain was constantly short circuiting (using very layman terms here). Now, she can actually focus uninterrupted, and it has made such a huge difference. To look at her, you would have very little idea how much she has overcome, and still deals with on a daily basis. I am just so very thankful for her, and for how many ways God has blessed her. I cry every time I really sit and think about it.

One thing the neurologist mentioned- and I was pretty much shocked by it- is that Lydia qualifies for Make A Wish. I, as I'm sure most people do, usually think of children with terminal illness qualifying for this charity. Such a possibility had never even crossed my mind. My initial response was a mixture of Wow, that's depressing- and Wow, that's awesome! I mean, if any good can come out of all she's been through, then bring it on! Then, my feet quickly hit the ground, and I realized two things: first, that at this stage in her life it would be our wish, not hers, and second- she is doing so well medically speaking at this point, and (other than the occasional tantrum because she doesn't understand her food allergy restrictions,) has really no idea that she has medical issues. She isn't going through chemo, or enduring weekly hospital visits. So we aren't going to pursue that avenue any time soon- but it is kind of cool to know it's there. It's a charity that you pray you never have to use, but is such a blessing to those who need it.

So to sum it all up, Lydia takes a lot of medication every day and wears a pretty darn cute medical alert bracelet, but other than that is a normal two year old- tantrums and all. Which- I'm working on. I had it in my head that her medication was affecting her mood and causing this wretched behavior, but the neurologist gently let me know that no, she's a strong willed two year old with a mommy who feels sorry for her. Yep, she hit it dead on. I think that's a blog post all on it's own.

He Has a Plan

"Mommy, Lydia is so silly!" I was at the kitchen sink and didn't even turn toward the table when I asked Brooke what she was talking about. She said, "Look at her! She's just staring at Isaac!" I immediately turned my attention away from the dishes, but by the time I got to the table, the seizure was over.

I've been resisting writing a post about this, because I don't want my daughter to be labeled. It's also just hard to talk about. To not write about it though, is to ignore God's hand, and I feel it's wrong to not tell about all He's done. Countless people have prayed for her, and I think it's good to testify about how those prayers affected her life. I also feel somewhat alone in this, and am encouraged to talk to parents who have been through this with their own children.

Two months ago, I dropped my two youngest children off at preschool as normal. (It's only for two hours two days a week, and gives me a nice mommy break in the week.) Afterward, I came home to do some housework. I was unloading the dishwasher and catching up on the DVR when my cellphone rang. "You need to come now. Lydia stopped breathing." I know she said more, but I can't remember any of it. I just immediately started sobbing, and firing off questions- what happened, was she going to be ok, what do I do now? Five medics were already there, and she seemed stable, but I needed to come right now. I made myself calm down for a minute before jumping in the car. I was shaking uncontrollably, not to mention the hysterical sobbing. Was she going to die?? I truly did not know the answer to that question. I prayed for her life, while calling my mom and Amy to have them start praying. Bill was out of cellphone range at work, and was unreachable.

When I pulled up to the school, my heart started pounding even faster. There were two ambulances at the front entrance- both of them there for my baby. She was already in the ambulance doing well, so they had just waited for me to arrive before driving to the hospital. When I saw her, she was awake and cuddled up in a paramedic's arms. She looked at me, but it was as if I were a stranger. She had no reaction whatsoever. It struck me as odd, but I was so relieved to see her alive and well that it didn't really register with me. The medics seemed calm, which in turn made me calm. They said that by the time they arrived she was starting to come back to consciousness, but she was still very lethargic. It seemed to be classic for someone who has just had a seizure. I was a  bit stunned when the medics mentioned this. She had never had a seizure before that I knew of, and she had no fever that morning. Not much else seemed to fit though. There was no sign of anaphylaxis with her severe food allergies. She has severe asthma, but that didn't fit either. Blood sugar and blood pressure were both normal.

Before the ambulance drove off, my friends who also happen to be Lydia's teachers already had arrangements made for my son, and I was reassured that he had no idea what had happened with his baby sister. He's in a different classroom from her, and did not witness anything. I can say with confidence that the entire staff in the preschool program did everything exactly right in taking care of my children and the other children at the school.

One of the numerous miracles of that day was the fact that the entire episode was recorded on the nanny cam. It showed Lydia sitting in a teacher's lap, rubbing her eyes. The teacher had to put her down for a moment. If she had been in the teacher's lap the entire, it could have just been assumed Lydia fell asleep. I'd say the timing of putting Lydia down was a miracle. A few moments later, Lydia was standing in place, then started to sway a bit before falling like a plank to the floor. Her right hand shook a bit for a few seconds. One of her teachers saw the fall and immediately ran to her. This was another miracle- her teacher was not in her normal "routine" with the children, and was faced in just the right direction to see her fall, and be able to realize it was far from normal. As soon as she picked her up, she noticed it was like holding a rag doll- Lydia didn't support her head or neck on her own. She then seemed to come around after a few seconds, but her teacher noticed her lips were blue. She immediately tried to assess if she was breathing, and at this point the other teacher was dialing 911. Lydia's eyes were rolling around, and she wouldn't focus on anyone. She then vomited a couple times. The medics were there in just over a minute later, and by that point she was able to focus on the person talking to her. She immediately clung to a paramedic who would end up holding her until we arrived at the hospital. She would cry if anyone tried to take her from him.

On the ride to the hospital, Lydia was awake, but very much out of it. It was as if she had no awareness of her surroundings. My memory was taken back to the first ambulance ride she took at just under a year old after eating her first taste of a peanut butter cookie. She had been happy and was having a blast during that ambulance ride, even though her lips were twice normal size. I wished she could give at least a tiny smile this time around.

When we arrived and stepped inside the hospital, my calm heart rate immediately jumped right back up. The 911 call came over as an infant cardiac arrest, so there were so many ER nurses and physicians on hand I couldn't even count. The realization that I could have lost my baby flooded over me once more. Within a few minutes the room slowly dwindled to just a few nurses as they realized it was not actually a cardiac arrest case. Lydia at this point took note of the commotion and then recognized me. She reached for me, crying. A couple minutes later, she fell into a deep sleep. This is the same child who stayed awake all night long during the twelve hour drive to the beach. That alone should have alarmed me, but I was enjoying cuddling my sweet girl to think beyond the moment.

I was able to check facebook in the ER, and my profile was flooded with prayers for Lydia. I was overwhelmed by the love poured out on her behalf. People all over the state and beyond stopped what they were doing, and were on their knees praying for our little girl. The youth pastor from our church also came to be by our side until my husband was able to be there. I still had been unable to reach him on his cell, so he had no idea what was going on. I felt terrible that the first message he would listen to was me sobbing hysterically, and incoherent. At random, about five hours after it all began, the pastor felt a nudge to try calling him just one more time. The very second - literally- that Bill entered into cell service, and his phone lit up from all the missed phone calls and messages, his phone rang. It was the pastor telling him about Lydia. I'm so thankful he heard about it all from a calm voice who could tell him all was ok, instead of hearing all the hysteria from the hours before. Another miracle in a sea of many.

After a few hours in the ER, the usual labs, EKG, and CT scan revealed all normal results. Good news, bad news. It gave us no clear answer as to what happened. The final diagnosis given by the ER physician was altered consciousness, possible seizure. She was referred to a neurologist upon discharge.

Taking her home that evening was such a blessing. But I was also terrified to leave her side. What if she had a heart arrythmia in which she could suddenly drop unconscious again, this time not waking up? If it was a seizure, what if it happened again when I wasn't by her side? When it was time to put her to bed that night, I stood over her crib sobbing. How could I walk away from her? I contemplated sleeping on the floor of her room. I prayed about what I should do. I can't explain what happened, because I didn't physically see anything, but I suddenly felt an unnatural calm, and knew without a doubt that her room was filled with angels. I could feel their presence all around me.  I knew that the prayers of all those who prayed for her, people I had never even met, had been heard and answered. I layed my hands on her and prayed once more, and then quietly left the room. I soundly slept all night. Bill checked on her frequently, and she was sound asleep and breathing each time he did.

A week later Lydia had her EEG. She had been completely normal since the day everything happened, but I was still very nervous about the unknown. I still feared something was wrong with her heart, and that she could suddenly have a life threatening arrythmia. There are heart conditions that fit the scenario of what happened, and can also cause seizures. I also started looking at the blank stares she gave all the time a little differently. I had assumed she was a day dreamer like her sister, but now I started to wonder if those very brief stares were actually seizures. My mind was playing games with me. I had faith that the Lord was taking care of her, but I am human, and just wanted my baby to be ok. I wanted answers.

The EEG went perfectly- she was awake when they needed her awake, and fell asleep when she needed to be asleep. The tech couldn't give any answers to me, so it would be awhile before I'd hear the results. Her appointment with the neurologist was about a month away. It typically takes two months to get an appointment with a pediatric neurologist in this area, so one month was actually pretty quick. In the next few weeks, Lydia was her normal self. Well, with the exception of a three day, two night hospital stay for respiratory distress secondary to her asthma. Another scary experience, watching her tiny body struggle for every single breath she took. Her O2 saturation was in the high 80s upon admission. After recovering from that event, she then came home and caught fifth disease, and  then hand foot and mouth disease a few days later. My poor little girl just couldn't catch a break.

In the midst of this, and no more major episodes, I had convinced myself that all was ok. Whatever happened at preschool was a freak event, but nothing was chronically wrong with her. Bill asked if I wanted him to take off work to be with me at her appointment, but I told him not to do that. I truly expected to hear that the EEG was normal. I was wrong.

Her EEG was full of seizure activity. She has generalized type seizures, meaning her entire brain is affected. She has no aura, and her frequent blank stares are not daydreaming moments. The seizure at preschool likely started off this way, but then progressed to the tonic clonic seizure caught on video. She needs to be on daily seizure medication, none of which are without side effects. My daughter has epilepsy. She has a good chance of outgrowing the condition by adulthood, but she has a long road ahead. Most children with epilepsy have learning disabilities and attention deficit problems. The majority of children are diagnosed in elementary school; Lydia is barely two years old, so we don't know why she has seizures at such a young age. They are unrelated to her severe food allergies and asthma- two other conditions usually developed in children several years older than her.

I took two days to be in self pity for myself and our family, but mostly for her. This is so unfair for her. She's been through so much already in her short life. If I ever forget about this, I only have to look in my purse at the epi pen I carry everywhere, or wait until mealtime when I have to watch like a hawk what she can safely eat. It's funny- a peanut allergy used to be one of my worst nightmares for my children. Now I would love to have the "luxury" to be concerned with only that one. I don't mean to make light of children with peanuts as their only allergy- it's terrifying to know your child is allergic to something potentially airborne that can easily kill them. But if I lived in fear of that allergy alone, I would be crippled when combining that with all the other food allergies, on top of the asthma and seizures. In a way, God gave me a gift of sorts. Instead of giving my child one thing for me to focus on and fear, we were faced with something so big beyond what I could handle, I had the choice to either fall apart, or give it over to Him. I'm so glad to say I chose the latter. It's not my strength, it's His. I hate the fact Lydia is dealt this hand in life; but He has emphasized over and over to me that He has a plan for her. I pray for her healing, but I also pray to never be an obstacle to the work He is doing in and through her.

At the time it happened, I cried out to God as to why He allowed her to have that seizure. Now I think I know why- I think that He allowed it to happen in order to open our eyes to the fact she was having seizures multiple times a day right under our noses, and we had no idea it was happening. Her blank stares are so brief, that by the time you notice, it's already over. Occasionally they last longer, like the one at the breakfast table a few days ago. I still have fears for her. I'm afraid for her cognitive development, and that she will be teased because of her seizures. Perfect love casts out fear, but I'm still His work in progress, and rely on Him daily to carry my burdens. I don't live in perpetual daily fear, and for that I am so very thankful. I've given it over to Him, because I know how weak I am. I remind myself that parents hear news beyond what I could comprehend every day, and that even with all she's been through, Lydia is a very fortunate little girl. Even with all her medical problems, she still is living a relatively normal life with the help of modern medicine.

There are so many more miracles that God completed in the past several weeks. We are still praying for His mercy as we slowly titrate Lydia's seizure medication. It is the best medicine for her to be on, but it does come with some heavy duty risks, one of them deadly. But it's more of a risk to not place her on medication, so I feel we've made the best choice.

Thank you so much to all of you who prayed for our little girl. I in turn have been humbled through all the prayers given on her behalf, and am more dedicated to pray for others on a more consistent basis. Her story is far from over, and I know His plan for her must be a pretty spectacular one. I'm just glad I'm part of the journey.

Raindrops of Blessing

I took a deep breath this morning as I handed Lydia her bottle. (Yes, she's too old for the bottle, I know, but she's the last baby, and mommy's not ready to switch.) Despite her terrible seasonal allergies, I'd successfully kept her off allergy medication for the past four days in preparation for a food challenge. Goat's milk has a different milk protein than cow's milk, so after speaking with the allergist, we were going to try it out. I've been praying for days and weeks that she would not react once I gave the goat's milk to her, and today was finally the big day. A part of me was a bit scared to find out for certain whether goat's milk was in or out. We did a soy challenge a few weeks ago that I'd been so hopeful for, only to find out a few hours later that she was definitely allergic to that as well. I just didn't feel ready to give up hope.

Though it's been a big lifestyle change, our family has been adjusting well to Lydia's allergies. I've been cooking and baking most of our foods from scratch, and reading labels for everything else. When she was first diagnosed, I knew it would eventually become old habit, and I'm happy to say we are slowly getting there. It's the little things that make it easier- I try to remember to pack some of her favorite foods when we go out to eat or attend a birthday party. She can have allergen free sweets, and I make her own cookies and cupcakes. Even with these adjustments, though, the mother's heart in me still breaks when she cries for something I can't give her, and it's a constant reminder that I can never let down my guard. At one of the girls' soccer games a few weeks ago, another one year old eating fish crackers wanted to play with Lydia, but I couldn't let her come close. I sound like a broken record explaining her food allergies to even perfect strangers if food is anywhere near, because I'm too afraid they will try to feed her something before I can stop them. All  in all, my thoughts aren't obsessed over the allergies as was the case a few months ago- it's just become part of normal daily living. I don't think twice when making sure the Epi-pen is always packed, and am not shy to teach anyone taking care of her how to use it. If peanuts are in the room, I don't apologize for immediately removing Lydia- her safety is priority.

I was talking to God the other day in my kitchen, and listing the different blessings that have come out of all this. I'll be honest when I say I'm not clear at all in what blessings that Lydia has received from her allergies, but I can definitely identify mine. My faith in God has grown exponentially. I'd mentioned in a previous post that many years ago I specifically prayed that God would spare my children of any food allergies, because I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. My Father took that prayer and answered it in a way I never could foresee back then. Instead of sparing my child from allergies, He did the opposite, and showed me that He is indeed trustworthy- He never leaves us with more than we can handle, but give us a supernatural strength to bring us through to the other side. Laura Story says it perfectly in her song Blessings: "All the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things, 'cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near." Not only did God show me that He is strong enough to get our family through this, I learned firsthand, and not in theory, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Had He answered that prayer the way I wanted Him to, I'd never have found out how to fall more deeply into His loving arms, and to fully place my children into His care. More trials will come, more tears will fall, and more grace and blessing will be bestowed from my Father.

Bill and I laid our baby girl in her crib tonight, with clear and beautiful skin. She has seemed to tolerate goat's milk so far. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for answered prayer. Your plan is bigger than my wildest dreams, and I trust You to carry us through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ&feature=related

New Normal

I've had a few days to let the news sink in, and my brain has unscrambled just enough to write about it. As I'm sure you've all read on facebook by now- there is a new normal going on in our home. We found out Tuesday that our thirteen month old baby Lydia is highly allergic to the following: peanuts, tree nuts, milk, soy, shrimp, and cats. And yes, we have a cat. (If you are interested in adopting him, please let me know.)  Lydia's reaction to the peanut testing was so severe that the physician ordered her to always wear a med alert bracelet, and that an epi-pen must be available at all times. Anyone left to care for her will have to know how to use the medication in case of emergency.

I was literally shaking as I left the office and gathered my kids back into the car. I could barely calm my hands down enough to drive- I had expected to hear she had allergies, but it was a whole other story to have those suspicions confirmed. I had just looked a physician in the eye while she told me that Lydia's allergies were potentially life threatening, and that based on the severity of her atopic dermatitis, eczema, and allergies to food and animals, she was on track to develop asthma in the next few years. I was given a list of information on food allergies, a blood draw order, an antihistamine prescription, and an epi pen kit along with a prescription for four epi pens to add to the one epi pen already in my purse. The rest of the day was then mixed with shock, crying, and more than an hour spent in the grocery store reading labels. I left Kroger that afternoon with three boxes of crackers that were both milk and soy free, and not much else- not even a loaf of bread.

I kept picturing birthday parties with children lined up to get a piece of cake while Lydia watched from the sidelines. I saw her at a school party eating a special cupcake from home while her classmates ate the regular party food. Our family's routine trips to the Dairy Queen are now a thing of the past, and eating out in general will have to come to an end unless we have full access to their nutritional information. I'll be able to keep her in an allergen-free bubble for the next few years, but the thought of sending her to school away from my watchful eye terrifies me.

While I had my suspicions for awhile, we were first jolted to awareness of Lydia's allergies after I gave her a couple bites of a peanut butter cookie. Watching her lips swell before my eyes, I feared I was watching my baby die right in front of me; it's one of the most frightening experiences of my entire life. Riding in the ambulance to the hospital was a life changing moment- I can't even fathom going through that again, only this time having the unimaginable play out. Our house is now a completely peanut/tree nut free zone, and our family in general will be adopting the same diet as I start to make everything homemade and allergen free.

Through this week's tears, I've been comforted by the following: One- that at the end of the day, we have a healthy, beautiful daughter who has brought our lives so much joy and happiness. Two- we have a Lord in Heaven watching over her, and giving us the strength to figure all of this out. Several years ago when my nephew was diagnosed with several food allergies, I prayed to God that He would spare my own children from any food allergy, as I would be too scared and nervous to deal with anything like that. But after the peanut episode with Lydia, I can say that , while I was never angry with God, I did wonder "Why? Why when I specifically prayed about this??"

While crying out to God about my worries this week, finally a gentle voice whispered, "Do you trust Me?" I'm going to cry while typing this... "Do you trust Me?" The Almighty God of Heaven, who created this earth and everything in it, who makes the sun rise and set each day, who knew my child before I even knew she existed- that same God is taking care of her, and He loves her more than I do. So yes Lord, I trust You, and I place her in Your hands, because I can't handle this on my own. It's too big. I'm too weak. I'm too scared to do this alone. I'm terrified that someone will accidentally feed her something bad, and I'm not there to stop it. I'm afraid that the next time her lips swell, so will her airway. I need You, Lord God, and yes, I do trust You.

"I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." 2 Timothy 1:12