Submission Prayer

*I wrote this last night and had Bill proofread it, but then chickened out from posting it. Openly admitting faults in Christian life is not easy, especially when it seems everyone else has it all together. But then this morning's church sermon was on being authentic and genuine- not acting like a phony. So, yeah...here it is. Being a Christian is not about being perfect, but about repentance and God's grace when we do fail. His forgiveness never runs out.*

Last week I sat in a meeting for new homeschooling moms. In three hours, we'd covered the state's laws and available homeschool organizations. All dry material, but I was still so excited as I drove back home. Even getting stuck in wet grass while trying to leave, and needing the hostess's husband to get the car out by shoving boards under the tires (only me, seriously!!) didn't change my mood. I was over the moon with joy. So much joy, that it spilled right out of my eyes and down my cheeks, into my lap. I started laughing because it was so ridiculous, but I can't even find words to explain how grateful and thankful I am to be in this place. I once thought this day would never come. I had all but given up my dream, and now, in just a few short hours, our family starts the first day of homeschool, just two feet from my kitchen.

Four years ago, I begged Bill to agree to homeschooling. I just couldn't let go, couldn't hand my child over to the public school system. I don't know that any mother grieved the anticipation of their child going off to kindergarten more than me. I would cry just driving by the school. It felt so unnatural to send her away to school every day and into the care of strangers. I wanted to protect her, shelter her from the world. I wanted to maintain control.

When Bill first said no, I took it as a prompt to just keep asking. We'd always agreed on major decisions during the six years of our marriage, so this was actually new to me. The Bible says that wives are to submit to their husbands, which, ok- yeah, it's in the Bible, He said it, so I agreed to it in front of our family and friends- but thankfully I had a husband who always agreed with me anyway. Submission never really became an issue to deal with. Until now. A major crossroad, and for the first time, he was disagreeing with me, saying absolutely, unequivocally no way were we homeschooling. I wish I could say I handled it with grace and understanding. Or not, because lessons aren't learned without failing sometimes. And wow, I failed big time.

The next three years were a roller coaster ride between climbing trust for the public school decision, and back down again to bitterness- at either Bill, or God, or both. Then I'd repent, and the ride would continue up and down, cycling over and over again.  I was slowly learning what it means to *cough* submit. (Truth be told, the word itself made me want to throw up. I LOVE my husband, and he is the best man in the world to me- but it had nothing to do with him. I just don't like to be told what to do, plain and simple. I have my own mind that works pretty well, and who is anybody to tell me what to do with it?) There would be months at a time when I was in accord with my husband and his decision. Even my reasons to homeschool no longer came from my need to control and protect. I was learning to fully trust my children into God's care, regardless of where they went to school. I still wanted to homeschool, but now for reasons that stemmed from an overall different philosophy on education, apart from what the public system provided. Submission in the interim seemed doable, until something at school happened and walls of resentment built back up.

It all came to a head one year ago, last September. Madeline had been unfairly treated (in my eyes) at school, and I was furious. Shaking mama bear mad. I didn't even try to hold back my biting words. If we had been homeschooling, none of this would have happened. Once again, it was Bill's fault, and it was God's fault for not leading Bill to the decision I wanted. I boarded an airplane the next day to Birmingham, Alabama for a Dot Mom conference, still angry. I was excited to see my best friend Amy, but I couldn't be completely happy, knowing I was hurting my husband. And I was too prideful to change it.

But it's hard to stay in pride and sin while at a two day Bible study event. Halfway through the conference- miserable, sad, and sick of being inside my own skin- I had an honest discussion with God. I was giving it up. He knew my heart. He knew how much I wanted to homeschool. A deep, burning desire. But for whatever reason, He was telling Bill no. Bill had told me at one point that he wanted nothing more than to say yes to me and make me happy- but his Lord was telling him that no matter how mad it made me, the answer was no. So in obedience to God, Bill didn't give it to me. He'd rather be right with God even if it meant living with an angry wife. The guilt washed over that I had made him choose between the two. I was done. I repented to God, and I gave it all up. For real this time. It was a wave of relief and sadness, giving up a dream that had meant so much. But God has a plan to give good and perfect gifts, and if this wasn't good or perfect, then I didn't want it anymore.

Home from the conference, sitting on the couch and kids asleep in bed, Bill told me that while I was out of town, he felt God clearly leading him toward homeschooling. I couldn't believe what I was hearing- I don't even remember the rest of the conversation. I just kept repeating, "Are you serious? Don't play with me! Don't tell me this and then take it away later!" I was laughing and smiling and couldn't even contain my joy. A dead dream resurrected.

There have been so many life experiences in the past few years that broke and molded me. This was one of those hard winding roads that I wouldn't change. If Bill had agreed to homeschooling four years ago, I would have gone forward for all the wrong reasons, and our marriage would not have stretched and grown the way it has. I would have homeschooled for the sole purposes of shelter and control. I wouldn't have learned what it means to trust God's protection, even after my five year old daughter was shoved and punched in the face by another student. I wouldn't have experienced the pure peace of knowing that He's in control, and allow her to walk back into the school the next morning. Letting go and letting God. I wouldn't have learned what true submission feels like. That it isn't suppressing my own spirit, but instead is a beautiful picture of God the Father and God the Son, of Christ and His bride. That when I allow my husband to lead us, a huge burden is lifted off of my shoulders. My husband takes into account my opinions and feelings, and then turning to God, takes us in the direction He is leading. I have a husband with such a fear of the Lord in him, that he endured years of my on-and-off resentment creeping up in little everyday things, both of us knowing it was the bigger issue of me not getting my way. That is a God-fearing husband! And I am so blessed to call him mine.

Monday morning we begin homeschooling. In God's perfect timing, and under my husband's leading. Joy.

Extending my Comfort Zones

Last September at Lifeway's Dot Mom conference, Amy and I walked into a breakout session led by a loud and funny speaker named Jen Hatmaker, and expecting- well, honestly not much. Especially nothing that would turn our lives upside down.

 Jen asked if we were raising our children to say no to drugs, hang out with Christian Awana friends, and not say the F word. (All well and good by the way. I abhor drug use, love Awana, and definitely don't want my kids to use the F word.) But if one day my kids heard Jesus call them to a Third World country away from my safety net, would they be pulled to tell Him no, because their mom would just freak out?  Well, considering the current parenting path I was on, I felt really uncomfortable answering that question.

There is a whole world out there waiting to know Jesus' love in a tangible way. I had to ask myself where I spent more of my time: angry about politics and Supreme Court rulings, or out there demonstrating the love of Christ to people on the other side of my conservative agenda. When was the last time I looked beyond my church walls to find someone in need of Jesus' message on the cross? How can I show my children the way to live like Jesus if I don't even know how to start a conversation with a homeless person? Ouch.

Spending more of my time in the Gospels, I hear Jesus pleading, commanding, demanding that I love the least of these. That I love my neighbor as myself. Maybe I've assumed I could slide by and only reach those that didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It's easy to serve sweet, clean people in the middle of my path. It's another thing to go out of my way, search out those in need, and not know if they will even be nice to me or appreciate it. But then, like a smack in the face, the Holy Spirit told me- It's not about what I want to do within my comfort zone. Waiting for people in need to show up in my Sunday School class isn't cutting it. Using the excuse that I'm a shy, busy mom of four isn't a reason. I have no excuses, and I will give an account one day of what I did with my life. He's called me to so much more while on this earth. Because if I really love Him- and oh Jesus how I LOVE You- then I will humbly show it in increasing obedience.

Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" Then Jesus said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22:36-40

Ten Years!

Next month is our tenth wedding anniversary. I can't believe I'm old enough for that to be true. In some ways it seems like yesterday that I walked down the aisle; in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago, because it's hard to remember life without Bill. He's my first and only love.

I'd always imagined reliving our honeymoon in the Virgin Islands for our ten year anniversary. But- it just couldn't be so. My parents would be taking care of the kids, and with Lydia's health always uncertain, my mom asked that we not travel far. It's hard to leave our kids anyway, so it was good to know we'd only be a couple hours away if anything happened. We booked a short getaway to Harman's Luxury Log Cabins in Hopeville Canyon, West Virginia.

These two pictures of our cabin and our view are from the Harman's Cabins website. It's a great place to stay if you ever visit the area.

We hiked to the overlook at Seneca Rock and traveled up to Spruce Knob, the highest point in West Virginia. We also visited Seneca Caverns. It's not the Caribbean, but our state is so beautiful that I can't imagine living anywhere else.

 Seneca Rock.

 View from the overlook deck on top of Seneca Rock.

 I'm never brave enough to go past this sign. The warning of death is enough to stop me.

 I love him!!!

 The last time we were here, Brooke was six months old. We were with our friends Dave and Stephanie, and we all four took turns carrying her to the top. I nursed her on the overlook deck. It was also the same weekend that she said Mama for the first time. 

There's no cell phone service in the area. We had WiFi in our cabin and could iMessage my mom and check Facebook messages, but that was it. We found this pay phone- they still exist!- and called home. We only had a dollar in change, and that bought us four minutes long distance. Time warp.

Last week while researching for our trip, I decided to face my fear of heights with a canopy tour at Nelson Rocks Outdoor Center. I've wanted to go zip lining for a few years, but I've just been too afraid. Bill has zero fear of heights, so he was all for it, but I wasn't completely sure I'd go through with it. To anyone who isn't afraid of heights, it wouldn't seem like a big deal. There were twelve zip lines and three sky bridges. I almost backed out when I realized it included repelling out of a forty foot tree. Before I could psych myself out, I went ahead and paid for our reservation over the phone. Non refundable. Do or die.

 I never looked down the entire trip. I didn't even look around at the scenery. I just stared at the target straight ahead. There aren't any pictures of Bill. I was just trying to survive, and didn't think to take pictures of him. He was perfect at it though. He would come in smoothly each time, braking just right. It was almost annoying, he was so good at it! 

 The scariest part for me wasn't how high off the ground I was. I was most terrified when leaving the platform, and then again when my body turned to face sideways, halfway across the zip line. We were supposed to steer with our wrist, but I was horrible at it. I hated the feeling of being out of control. I think if I didn't have to try so hard to keep my body facing forward, I would have been able to relax a lot more.

Repelling at the end. My biggest fear on the trip. 

 I was so glad it was assisted repelling. I just kept my eyes closed until about halfway. I finally opened them, but never looked down. 

 That's me!

 That smile is my relief and joy of being back on solid ground. 

 It's over! One more item crossed off my bucket list. I'm good for life, and I don't think I'll relive the experience. It never got easier to leave the platform with each zip. Adrenaline rushes aren't my thing, I guess. Fine with me. That said, I would definitely recommend this tour to anyone who's not afraid of heights. Our guides were so great! I'm sure I looked like a big sissie, but they never made me feel that way. 

 Lunch at Seneca Caverns after zip lining. 

I love him even more today than I did yesterday!

 Inside the caverns. We were the only ones on the tour! 

 They call this area Fairy Land! It was so cute.

 Beautiful!

 We drove to Spruce Knob after the caverns for more gorgeous views.

I am one blessed girl.

Cheap Detergent

It's been almost two months since I started using homemade cleaners and detergent. I've saved a ton of money, and my house is just as clean without the dangerous chemicals. I'm also not experiencing the bad headaches from all the fumes on cleaning days.

My favorite homemade cleaner so far is the laundry detergent. It's probably saved me the most money. (I do about three to four loads a day.) Our clothes are just as clean, and stains come out better than with the All Free and  Clear I used to buy.

Laundry Detergent Recipe

One bar soap (such as Ivory), grated to powder

One cup Borax

One cup Washing Soda

Mix together. Use one TBSP per load. 

Window and Glass Cleaner

Mix equal parts vinegar and water. 

(If that sounds too easy, add a bit of rubbing alcohol. Makes the surfaces dry faster.)

Bathroom and Kitchen Counter Cleaner

See above.

Toilet Bowl Cleaner

See above.

Hardwood Floor Cleaner

Yep. See above.

Basic Tub and Tile Cleaner

1 2/3 cup baking soda

1/2 cup liquid soap

1/2 cup water

2 TBSP vinegar

Mix well.

Basic Mildew scrub

1/4 cup vinegar

1/4 Borax

1 cup warm water

Shake well.

Furniture polish

Varnished: 1/2 cup warm water, add few drops lemon juice

Unvarnished wood: 2 tsp olive oil, 2 tsp lemon juice

Apply with soft cotton cloth.

Natural Drain Cleaner

1/2 cup baking soda- pour first

1/2 cup vinegar- pour second

follow with 2 quarts hot water

(I've not tried the drain cleaner myself.  I will when the time comes though. Store bought drain cleaner is one of the most toxic products found on the market.)

I couldn't find a spray bottle that worked well. I have an old Mop n Glow squeeze bottle that I've been using for homemade floor cleaner over the past several months. It's the same combination of vinegar, water, and rubbing alcohol that I use to clean pretty much everything else in the house now- so I just don't bother with a spray bottle.

It took a little getting used to on the first day- but I promise- my house is just as clean as before. I've saved gobs of money. It's been completely worth it. 

On another note: I was reading old blog posts earlier this evening, and couldn't stop smiling. I decided that I need to blog more about my kids. I've been through a lot of struggles over the past two years dealing with Lydia's health, and while I'm glad I have this blog for therapeutic writing, I've strayed from the reason I started this blog nearly three years ago. I'm going to try to write more about the cute things my kids say, the fun things we do as a family, and talk about why I love being their mommy. I'm sure I'll still talk about food allergies and organic food- that's a big part of what I like to talk about- but I want to bring the focus back to where it was from the beginning. My cute babies- Brooke, Madeline, Isaac, and Lydia. 

Chemical Free

I gave away just about every cleaning product in my house yesterday. It feels great.

After watching the documentary Chemerical on Netflix, Bill and I decided to eliminate just about every chemical possible in our house. Sounds drastic- maybe. Here is something else that's drastic- protecting our youngest child from multiple deadly food allergies on a daily basis, and administering numerous medications while going in and out of doctor offices and hospitals. I wonder all the time what is in our food and environment that contributes, if not straight out causes, her medical problems. If this small step helps keep Lydia and the rest of our family safer from known carcinogens -as in scientifically proven CANCER-causing chemicals- then it's most definitely worth it. Not to mention the benefit toward cleaner water and air.

Plus the financial savings!! The homemade cleaners I used yesterday cost a fraction of store-bought products. Best part- I know exactly what is in them. Companies are weirdly secretive of what they actually put into their products. For example, over the past several years I've used an "allergen free" laundry detergent. This weekend I followed a rabbit trail to find out the ingredient list, with no success. Their website proudly boasts that it is hypoallergenic, safe, recommended by doctors...but no disclosure of what is actually in it. Nearly every cleaner in a typical household keeps the same secrets. (I don't like secrets.)

I cleaned my bathrooms and floors yesterday, and dusted the furniture. I only used various combinations of water, vinegar, baking soda, lemon juice, and washing soap. I didn't have a single headache that I usually do while cleaning, and my house is squeaky clean without the worry of toxic fumes.

If anyone had told me a few years ago I'd be on this path of organic/natural living (and a warning: I'm getting in deeper by the day) I would have rolled my eyes, muttering something about tree huggers under my breath. I'm changing. I think American society as a whole is way too trusting of the companies that serve us. It should scare us senseless that manufacturers put carcinogens in our household cleaners. They don't even have the decency to label their products, because they're hiding behind "trade secret" laws. Our government protects big business over citizens. Shocking (eye roll). Would it scare anyone to know that several of the chemicals in our cleaners are ILLEGAL overseas? As my sister said, Europeans demand that they not be poisoned, while Americans squeal, "Yay, pink bubbles!"

Here are some sites I turned to for the dangers of chemicals, plus cleaning recipes and advice:
Huffington Post Green
Cleaners Hall of Shame
Back to Basics Cleaning
Wellness Mama

And if you want to try your luck at finding an ingredient list (granted, I didn't go the extra mile and actually call the company- I was too ticked off by that point) here's the website given on our detergent bottle:
Sun Products Corp

 Smiling for a picture after improving during her recent hospital stay for bronchiolitis.

Big brother's turn to get breathing treatments for RSV.

Yep- definitely worth it!

Time to Celebrate!

We had a mini celebration in our house tonight! 

It was originally planned to celebrate Lydia passing her wheat challenge.

Plans had to change. She didn't pass the challenge, and we also found out about two new allergies to garlic and beef. Yes- beef, as in hamburgers and steak and chili and spaghetti sauce.

I was bummed. Really bummed. Party cancelled. But then the pity party cleared, and I realized we had plenty to celebrate. So- instead of wheat, we celebrated our amazingly blessed life. 

We celebrated living in America. I start each day knowing that I can provide my kids with clean sheets, clean water, healthy food, education, a home, and a whole bunch of other frivolousness that we often confuse with "needs". Lydia has nine different food allergies, and yet I still have an abundance of safe, healthy food to buy for her. 

Yep, lots to smile about!

She was wondering why we were staring at the cake instead of eating it. 

Wheat free, dairy free, nut free, soy free, artificial dye free,  and very, very yummy. Even ultra wheat-free critic mama thought it was good. Namaste chocolate cake mix- allergy friendly, not cheap. 

Prayers for our little girl are always welcome. Her allergies are getting worse, not better- and it can be very frustrating. Bill and I are constantly on alert to protect her. We skip eating out altogether unless we pack her meal separately. Movie theaters feel like death traps with all the peanut M &Ms and buttered popcorn. Meal planning is- well, a challenge. Most of her allergies cause severe rashes, but a few of them do try to kill her. Several weeks ago she took a sip of cow's milk from a cup that somehow made it past my paranoid, watchful eyes, and she reacted immediately. Hives popped up over her face and torso, and by the time I ran her up the steps to shower off her skin, her lips and tongue were swelling. We had to use her epi pens and call 911. Food allergies are no joke. I remind myself every time I start to drown in self pity that I am a child of the Almighty, and she's in His care. I trust Him implicitly.  I also think of the orphans in Haiti and Africa who would look at our life and think we live like royalty.  And that's just looking at material things. There's the story of the poor man who sat at the table with his bread and water, and gave thanks saying, "All this, AND Jesus?!"

What if I woke up tomorrow and all I had left was what I gave thanks for today?

Self pity, go away. Cake tastes way better.

In the Meantime...

I think that great pain in life is not always that of our own, but the inability to remove it from those we love. 

To know that someone is hurting, and words feel empty, and there is nothing to do but pray. And even that feels inadequate at times. Then I'm led back to that same old question I've been asking over and over and over again. Why all the hurt and pain in this world with an all powerful, all loving God? Why do toddlers get raped, and children get beaten, and women hold dying babies? Why do wars rage, and nations starve? I already know the answer. That God is not the source of evil, and one day He will set all things right. But in the meantime....all this pain....

I came across this blog post today. 

"Why is there all this loveliness?"

And I realized, I've been asking the wrong question.

Instead of asking, "Why all the evil, when there is a God?"

The question  I should really ask, "If there is no God, why is there so much good?"

Evil wants us to think that God doesn't care. That He doesn't see silent tears in the middle of the night, that He doesn't feel our sorrow and loss. The truth is that He holds us with nail scarred hands. The truth is that we never walk alone. 

There is still beauty in the midst of pain because there IS A God. A beautiful, loving, compassionate God. And one day, He will set all things right. And in the meantime...all this good...


Romans 1:19-21

For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.

So they are without excuse.

For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him…