Submission Prayer

*I wrote this last night and had Bill proofread it, but then chickened out from posting it. Openly admitting faults in Christian life is not easy, especially when it seems everyone else has it all together. But then this morning's church sermon was on being authentic and genuine- not acting like a phony. So, yeah...here it is. Being a Christian is not about being perfect, but about repentance and God's grace when we do fail. His forgiveness never runs out.*

Last week I sat in a meeting for new homeschooling moms. In three hours, we'd covered the state's laws and available homeschool organizations. All dry material, but I was still so excited as I drove back home. Even getting stuck in wet grass while trying to leave, and needing the hostess's husband to get the car out by shoving boards under the tires (only me, seriously!!) didn't change my mood. I was over the moon with joy. So much joy, that it spilled right out of my eyes and down my cheeks, into my lap. I started laughing because it was so ridiculous, but I can't even find words to explain how grateful and thankful I am to be in this place. I once thought this day would never come. I had all but given up my dream, and now, in just a few short hours, our family starts the first day of homeschool, just two feet from my kitchen.

Four years ago, I begged Bill to agree to homeschooling. I just couldn't let go, couldn't hand my child over to the public school system. I don't know that any mother grieved the anticipation of their child going off to kindergarten more than me. I would cry just driving by the school. It felt so unnatural to send her away to school every day and into the care of strangers. I wanted to protect her, shelter her from the world. I wanted to maintain control.

When Bill first said no, I took it as a prompt to just keep asking. We'd always agreed on major decisions during the six years of our marriage, so this was actually new to me. The Bible says that wives are to submit to their husbands, which, ok- yeah, it's in the Bible, He said it, so I agreed to it in front of our family and friends- but thankfully I had a husband who always agreed with me anyway. Submission never really became an issue to deal with. Until now. A major crossroad, and for the first time, he was disagreeing with me, saying absolutely, unequivocally no way were we homeschooling. I wish I could say I handled it with grace and understanding. Or not, because lessons aren't learned without failing sometimes. And wow, I failed big time.

The next three years were a roller coaster ride between climbing trust for the public school decision, and back down again to bitterness- at either Bill, or God, or both. Then I'd repent, and the ride would continue up and down, cycling over and over again.  I was slowly learning what it means to *cough* submit. (Truth be told, the word itself made me want to throw up. I LOVE my husband, and he is the best man in the world to me- but it had nothing to do with him. I just don't like to be told what to do, plain and simple. I have my own mind that works pretty well, and who is anybody to tell me what to do with it?) There would be months at a time when I was in accord with my husband and his decision. Even my reasons to homeschool no longer came from my need to control and protect. I was learning to fully trust my children into God's care, regardless of where they went to school. I still wanted to homeschool, but now for reasons that stemmed from an overall different philosophy on education, apart from what the public system provided. Submission in the interim seemed doable, until something at school happened and walls of resentment built back up.

It all came to a head one year ago, last September. Madeline had been unfairly treated (in my eyes) at school, and I was furious. Shaking mama bear mad. I didn't even try to hold back my biting words. If we had been homeschooling, none of this would have happened. Once again, it was Bill's fault, and it was God's fault for not leading Bill to the decision I wanted. I boarded an airplane the next day to Birmingham, Alabama for a Dot Mom conference, still angry. I was excited to see my best friend Amy, but I couldn't be completely happy, knowing I was hurting my husband. And I was too prideful to change it.

But it's hard to stay in pride and sin while at a two day Bible study event. Halfway through the conference- miserable, sad, and sick of being inside my own skin- I had an honest discussion with God. I was giving it up. He knew my heart. He knew how much I wanted to homeschool. A deep, burning desire. But for whatever reason, He was telling Bill no. Bill had told me at one point that he wanted nothing more than to say yes to me and make me happy- but his Lord was telling him that no matter how mad it made me, the answer was no. So in obedience to God, Bill didn't give it to me. He'd rather be right with God even if it meant living with an angry wife. The guilt washed over that I had made him choose between the two. I was done. I repented to God, and I gave it all up. For real this time. It was a wave of relief and sadness, giving up a dream that had meant so much. But God has a plan to give good and perfect gifts, and if this wasn't good or perfect, then I didn't want it anymore.

Home from the conference, sitting on the couch and kids asleep in bed, Bill told me that while I was out of town, he felt God clearly leading him toward homeschooling. I couldn't believe what I was hearing- I don't even remember the rest of the conversation. I just kept repeating, "Are you serious? Don't play with me! Don't tell me this and then take it away later!" I was laughing and smiling and couldn't even contain my joy. A dead dream resurrected.

There have been so many life experiences in the past few years that broke and molded me. This was one of those hard winding roads that I wouldn't change. If Bill had agreed to homeschooling four years ago, I would have gone forward for all the wrong reasons, and our marriage would not have stretched and grown the way it has. I would have homeschooled for the sole purposes of shelter and control. I wouldn't have learned what it means to trust God's protection, even after my five year old daughter was shoved and punched in the face by another student. I wouldn't have experienced the pure peace of knowing that He's in control, and allow her to walk back into the school the next morning. Letting go and letting God. I wouldn't have learned what true submission feels like. That it isn't suppressing my own spirit, but instead is a beautiful picture of God the Father and God the Son, of Christ and His bride. That when I allow my husband to lead us, a huge burden is lifted off of my shoulders. My husband takes into account my opinions and feelings, and then turning to God, takes us in the direction He is leading. I have a husband with such a fear of the Lord in him, that he endured years of my on-and-off resentment creeping up in little everyday things, both of us knowing it was the bigger issue of me not getting my way. That is a God-fearing husband! And I am so blessed to call him mine.

Monday morning we begin homeschooling. In God's perfect timing, and under my husband's leading. Joy.