Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
3 John 1:4 I have no greater JOY than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
Joy!!!
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
In the Palm of His Hand
So, yesterday was interesting, to say the least. Our church had a pool party in town to celebrate a great week of Vacation Bible School. I was in the baby pool with Lydia and Isaac when I noticed several raised bumps on Lydia's torso. She wasn't crying, and at first I thought maybe a mosquito bit her several times. Then I noticed an obvious sting mark on her wrist, and knew she was reacting to either a bee or wasp. I gave her Benadryl, but it didn't seem to make a difference.Within minutes the hives became bigger on her chest and side, and her lips started to swell. That's when I completely broke down and lost it. I couldn't hold the tears in as the fear overtook me, and I began sobbing. God is so gracious in His care, and I don't think it was an accident that I was surrounded by loving friends who took over for me. One called 911, while others took care of my other three children. Paramedics were there almost immediately, and my heart soon calmed down. Lydia was visibly shaken and scared, and her usually mild tremors were obviously worse. I tried my best to put on a happy face for her, and stopped my own tears. While in the ambulance, peace came over me. I felt the prayers of friends, and I was able to smile and talk to Lydia while helping her stay calm.
To make a long story short, it took two (maybe three, I can't remember clearly) doses of epinephrine, two to three doses of Benadryl, and steroids to bring her back to normal. At no time was her breathing ever compromised. HUGE praise. We went home that night.
I've struggled today to remind myself who's in control. I wish I could keep her indoors 24/7 where I can keep her safe. That's not faith though. That's just wild and uncontrolled fear. I am learning to let go and leave it in His hands. Again.
Part of me is sad. Lots of tears. Another part is angry at one more way our daughter could possibly die.
As if food, air, and brain function weren't enough methods.
In the weeks leading up to Lydia's recent food allergy testing, I prayed so hard for all of her allergies to be taken away. Part of my prayer was that if it wasn't in His plan to completely heal her, that He would at least remove the shellfish allergy. Random, but that was my prayer. Guess what allergy she no longer has? Her dairy and peanut allergies were even worse, and she has a new allergy to melons, but tears welled up in my eyes when I heard about the shellfish, because I knew He had heard me. It was as if I literally felt Him hold me in that moment, and remind me of His care for both me and Lydia.
We'll get through this. In the palm of His hand.
To make a long story short, it took two (maybe three, I can't remember clearly) doses of epinephrine, two to three doses of Benadryl, and steroids to bring her back to normal. At no time was her breathing ever compromised. HUGE praise. We went home that night.
I've struggled today to remind myself who's in control. I wish I could keep her indoors 24/7 where I can keep her safe. That's not faith though. That's just wild and uncontrolled fear. I am learning to let go and leave it in His hands. Again.
Part of me is sad. Lots of tears. Another part is angry at one more way our daughter could possibly die.
As if food, air, and brain function weren't enough methods.
In the weeks leading up to Lydia's recent food allergy testing, I prayed so hard for all of her allergies to be taken away. Part of my prayer was that if it wasn't in His plan to completely heal her, that He would at least remove the shellfish allergy. Random, but that was my prayer. Guess what allergy she no longer has? Her dairy and peanut allergies were even worse, and she has a new allergy to melons, but tears welled up in my eyes when I heard about the shellfish, because I knew He had heard me. It was as if I literally felt Him hold me in that moment, and remind me of His care for both me and Lydia.
We'll get through this. In the palm of His hand.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Strength in Weakness
I can't help but find it strangely coincidental that Lydia has such a combination of health problems. That seems like a pretty hard hand to be dealt at such a young age. There are certain types of seizures related to food allergies, but she doesn't have those kinds of seizures, and so - backed by medical research- we've been told that her allergies and asthma are unrelated to her type of epilepsy. I can't help but wonder, though, if there's more to know and do for her. I decided to reach out online to find other families who may be in the same unique situation that we are in. We have an amazing family and friend support network who are behind us all the way, but there's something to be said for talking to someone who is completely living through what you are. So, even though I've avoided it for several months now, I joined an epilepsy advocate group online. The very first posting I read was from a friend of a high school senior who had just died the day before from one of her seizures. Died. Three weeks before graduating high school. I looked up her facebook profile that was tagged in the post. She was beautiful. Had lots of friends. Involved in her community. Planning her graduation. Now dead.
There are epilepsy patients far worse off than our daughter, which has helped me put things into a healthy perspective. But after learning about this girl, who obviously lived a normal day to day life, now suddenly snatched away by her disease, I was petrified that Bill and I would one day experience what her parents were at that very moment. I couldn't sleep that night. When I did sleep, I had nightmares of her dying. The sadness spilled over into the next couple days. I had faith in God and His care, but this is reality- that His plan may not be to heal her. God's children experience that kind of tragedy every day- we aren't always spared from the pain of this world just because we are His.
The day before seeing the post on the epilepsy page, I'd already struggled with my anger over Lydia's health. It was the last day of preschool, and I had planned to "celebrate" at the spa during my last two free hours of the school year. Then I realized that there was going to be a pizza party for the kids immediately after pick up. So for those two hours, instead of getting a pedicure, I made spaghetti and homemade bread, and baked a cake so that Lydia could eat some of her favorite foods at the party. My anger kept building all morning long. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, and I certainly didn't resent having to cook for her- I was furious that my baby couldn't even eat a freaking piece of pizza like the other kids. That once again, she had to be different. How do you explain that to a two year old?
By the time I arrived to the school, I was a few minutes late. I gave Isaac his pizza and chips, and put out Lydia's food. She pointed to the other kids eating, and looked at me. I redirected her attention to her yummy food and braced myself for her tears. But instead of crying, she just put her head down and sighed, defeated. It was like she gave up. I choked back the tears and felt the anger welling up inside. I was furious. I prayed silently to God, "Why?? Why?? Why does she have to deal with all of this?? I know You have a plan. But right now I don't understand, and honestly, right now this plan sucks." It pains me to even type that out because of my shame in it, but I was flat out honest with Him about my anger and confusion- maybe for the very first time. I was admitting it to myself and to Him. But instead of repenting of my attitude, I held on to the anger for a few days longer, allowing it to turn to bitterness. Anger itself is not a sin, but what we do with it can be.
By the end of the week, I was sick of living with myself. I was depressed. I wasn't praying or reading my Bible as I should, and it was spilling out into everywhere else in my life. In a way it was good to get out my feelings, but I wasn't doing it in a healthy way. I had enough, and prayed for Him to change my heart. I asked Him to help me fully trust again, and of course He did. It was perfect timing because Lydia became sick the very next morning with a virus. She was spiking fevers, which is dangerous with her epilepsy. She's more prone to seizure activity in those times. By midweek her fever was thankfully gone, but the virus had triggered her asthma. She became steadily worse until she was hospitalized on Thursday of last week. She did well soon after admission, and was able to go home Friday evening.
During this time, I started a new Bible study online with some friends called Faithful, Abundant, True (or FAT as we like to call it) based on a Deeper Still conference in Orlando a couple years ago. The first two weeks were written by Kay Arthur, and she taught on faithfulness. What I learned in the past couple days has really resonated with me. She taught that true rest is found in faith. (Hebrews 3:17-4:3) Kay said, "If I were going to give you a visual of the rest of faith, it would be your head resting on the Bible." On the flip side, unbelief is a lack of faith, and that in itself is sin. Romans 14:23 "...whatever is not from faith is sin." We have to stay in the Word of God to stay strong in our faith. Romans 10:17 "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God."
Kay covered Hebrews 11, and the verse that really stuck out to me was the verse about Sarah. I've read this chapter countless times, and Kay didn't even bring out this verse in particular, so I'm sure it was the Holy Spirit stirring me. It says, "By faith, Sarah herself also received strength..." It made me want to cry- because when I think of Sarah, I immediately think of her laughing in unbelief. My own son is named Isaac, which is the name her son was given, meaning laughter. She made a big mistake in not believing what God said He would do, yet she made it into the book of Hebrews because of her faith! What does that say about the redeeming grace of God? I screwed up big time, just like Sarah did when she laughed, and I was angry because I didn't like God's plan. He hasn't decided to instantly heal my daughter and restore complete health to her little body, and that can be hard to accept. But He still loves me, and His Son- my Jesus- is not ashamed of me. He can and will do great things for our family. My sins are remembered no more. I am weak, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9. He gives power to the weak; I will mount up with wings like eagles, and I will run and not be weary. Isaiah 40:29-31. I don't have to fear, because He is with me! He will strengthen me, help me, uphold me with His righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10.
I love Psalm 73:26, because it feels like it was written just for me- "My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." I may not understand His plan, but that verse-that I do understand. And amen to that.
There are epilepsy patients far worse off than our daughter, which has helped me put things into a healthy perspective. But after learning about this girl, who obviously lived a normal day to day life, now suddenly snatched away by her disease, I was petrified that Bill and I would one day experience what her parents were at that very moment. I couldn't sleep that night. When I did sleep, I had nightmares of her dying. The sadness spilled over into the next couple days. I had faith in God and His care, but this is reality- that His plan may not be to heal her. God's children experience that kind of tragedy every day- we aren't always spared from the pain of this world just because we are His.
The day before seeing the post on the epilepsy page, I'd already struggled with my anger over Lydia's health. It was the last day of preschool, and I had planned to "celebrate" at the spa during my last two free hours of the school year. Then I realized that there was going to be a pizza party for the kids immediately after pick up. So for those two hours, instead of getting a pedicure, I made spaghetti and homemade bread, and baked a cake so that Lydia could eat some of her favorite foods at the party. My anger kept building all morning long. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, and I certainly didn't resent having to cook for her- I was furious that my baby couldn't even eat a freaking piece of pizza like the other kids. That once again, she had to be different. How do you explain that to a two year old?
By the time I arrived to the school, I was a few minutes late. I gave Isaac his pizza and chips, and put out Lydia's food. She pointed to the other kids eating, and looked at me. I redirected her attention to her yummy food and braced myself for her tears. But instead of crying, she just put her head down and sighed, defeated. It was like she gave up. I choked back the tears and felt the anger welling up inside. I was furious. I prayed silently to God, "Why?? Why?? Why does she have to deal with all of this?? I know You have a plan. But right now I don't understand, and honestly, right now this plan sucks." It pains me to even type that out because of my shame in it, but I was flat out honest with Him about my anger and confusion- maybe for the very first time. I was admitting it to myself and to Him. But instead of repenting of my attitude, I held on to the anger for a few days longer, allowing it to turn to bitterness. Anger itself is not a sin, but what we do with it can be.
By the end of the week, I was sick of living with myself. I was depressed. I wasn't praying or reading my Bible as I should, and it was spilling out into everywhere else in my life. In a way it was good to get out my feelings, but I wasn't doing it in a healthy way. I had enough, and prayed for Him to change my heart. I asked Him to help me fully trust again, and of course He did. It was perfect timing because Lydia became sick the very next morning with a virus. She was spiking fevers, which is dangerous with her epilepsy. She's more prone to seizure activity in those times. By midweek her fever was thankfully gone, but the virus had triggered her asthma. She became steadily worse until she was hospitalized on Thursday of last week. She did well soon after admission, and was able to go home Friday evening.
During this time, I started a new Bible study online with some friends called Faithful, Abundant, True (or FAT as we like to call it) based on a Deeper Still conference in Orlando a couple years ago. The first two weeks were written by Kay Arthur, and she taught on faithfulness. What I learned in the past couple days has really resonated with me. She taught that true rest is found in faith. (Hebrews 3:17-4:3) Kay said, "If I were going to give you a visual of the rest of faith, it would be your head resting on the Bible." On the flip side, unbelief is a lack of faith, and that in itself is sin. Romans 14:23 "...whatever is not from faith is sin." We have to stay in the Word of God to stay strong in our faith. Romans 10:17 "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God."
Kay covered Hebrews 11, and the verse that really stuck out to me was the verse about Sarah. I've read this chapter countless times, and Kay didn't even bring out this verse in particular, so I'm sure it was the Holy Spirit stirring me. It says, "By faith, Sarah herself also received strength..." It made me want to cry- because when I think of Sarah, I immediately think of her laughing in unbelief. My own son is named Isaac, which is the name her son was given, meaning laughter. She made a big mistake in not believing what God said He would do, yet she made it into the book of Hebrews because of her faith! What does that say about the redeeming grace of God? I screwed up big time, just like Sarah did when she laughed, and I was angry because I didn't like God's plan. He hasn't decided to instantly heal my daughter and restore complete health to her little body, and that can be hard to accept. But He still loves me, and His Son- my Jesus- is not ashamed of me. He can and will do great things for our family. My sins are remembered no more. I am weak, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9. He gives power to the weak; I will mount up with wings like eagles, and I will run and not be weary. Isaiah 40:29-31. I don't have to fear, because He is with me! He will strengthen me, help me, uphold me with His righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10.
I love Psalm 73:26, because it feels like it was written just for me- "My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." I may not understand His plan, but that verse-that I do understand. And amen to that.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Deeper Still Louisville, KY
A few months ago, my local church hosted a simulcast with Priscilla Shirer. She is a mother of three young children who ministers to women all over the country. During that seminar, three of us decided it would be awesome to go to the Deeper Still conference coming up in Kentucky. Started in 2008, Deeper Still was a conference in which Kay Arthur, Beth Moore, and Priscilla Shirer ministered to several thousand women over a two day event. The conference coming up in Louisville was to be the last one ever to be held. Within days, we had our tickets purchased, rooms booked, and travel plans made. I was beside myself with excitement to spend a weekend bathed in the Word, with no other responsibilities at home to become entangled with.
I have been to several conferences over the years in my Christian life, but none of them have compared to this past weekend. There is something about breaking down the barriers of denominations (which personally, I think God hurts to see His people so deeply divided in this way) and worshipping as one body in Christ. It's like a hint of what's to come in Heaven- a place that I am ECSTATIC to see and experience for eternity.
I learned so much this weekend, and fell even more deeply in love with my Savior. I took notes like crazy, excited to keep them for future reference. I even read over them again Saturday night before going to bed in our hotel. Sadly though- I can't find my notes!! I even called the hotel while on the road to home once I realized they were missing, but the staff said that even after searching the maid's trash, they couldn't locate my book of notes anywhere. I'd like to think that God purposed for someone else to find and read them, and point that person to Himself. I'd hate to think I was simply irresponsible in losing them, and that no one will benefit from the notes! Thankfully I paid close enough attention to remember most of what was said by the speakers. I want to share so much, so this may end up being a three part blog series. I hope you don't mind!
That first night Kay Arthur spoke on God's love. She took us to Malachi, where the Lord told His people that He loved them. The people responded accusingly, "In what way have You loved us?" The Lord then patiently went on to explain just exactly how He loved them. And then, He was silent for the next four hundred years, leaving them His Word to recall His love for them. Until one day, an angel appeared to a man named Zacharias to announce the birth of John the Baptist,forerunner of Christ; and another angel, Gabriel, appeared to a man named Joseph, and announced the birth of a Son, Jesus, whose kingdom will have no end. I John 4:10 says, In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitation for our sins." Ms. Arthur expounded on Christ's sacrifice on the cross, describing in detail the physical torment He experienced that day, His body literally being ripped to shreds, His flesh hanging in ribbons. He was whipped, beaten, spit upon, and mocked. He was marred beyond recognition. At any point He could have summoned 10,000 angels- but He didn't. He went through it, even the death of the cross, for all for us. All for me. All for you.
The point of Ms. Arthur's message was this: Do you question God's love for you? Or do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, He loves you? If you do have doubts, you should also doubt whether you are truly saved. Anyone who has accepted Christ as their Savior understands His sacrifice, and His love- His deep, profound, breath-taking love for us. Oh, reader, how He LOVES you and me. He took our sin upon Him on that cross, so that we may have life in Him! When I sit and really think of His love, my eyes overflow with tears and I am overwhelmed. I have NO doubt of His love. God in His soverignty allows negative things to happen to us, and we may not always understand, but know this: HE. LOVES. YOU. He loves you!!! "In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him."( I John 4:9) I pray that anyone reading this who does not trust Christ will be stirred inside to know more, to seek Him, and to trust Him.
During Friday night's message, one verse kept resonating with me: I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." It was one of those things that as I listened, that phrase kept popping up- "There is no fear in love...perfect love casts out fear..." I would say that the verse repeated in my mind almost to the point of annoyance. I even prayed, "Yes Lord, I know- I trust you!" I have made strides in trusting my children in His hands, and I couldn't understand why He wanted me to pay attention to that verse, especially when it was evident that was not the main point of Ms. Arthur's message.
Later that night, I texted Bill before bed to see whether he was still working. The kids were sleeping at my parents', and I knew that Bill didn't like coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in our bed without me. The day that our oldest child Brooke was born, Bill wasn't allowed to stay overnight with me in the hospital, and so he gave my mom our bed that night because he didn't want to sleep in it without me. So sweet, huh? So I assumed Friday night he'd work as late as possible. He texted back he was working, and I asked him to text me when he got home. I later woke up at 3am and noticed he never texted me. I sent him a message, and no response. I immediately started praying, and I John 4:18 popped in mind. "I know Lord," I prayed, "he's in Your hands, but the human part of me is scared! Please let me know he's alright!" I've experienced instant peace before, and have felt the Lord telling me all was ok- but He didn't provide that peace this time. That made me even more scared and freaked out. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't, waiting for him to text. I tossed and turned and prayed the rest of the night. At 6:00am, I began calling and texting like crazy, but no response. I even called OnStar to locate our vehicle- the operator would only tell me that the airbags had not been deployed (small reassurance) but wouldn't tell me the location of the car unless the police were involved. I then called our neighbor to see if his car was in the driveway, but it wasn't. Bill doesn't have a desk job, and getting hurt with no help around is a true reality, so at this point I was pretty freaked out. I was keeping it inward, and my friend Kelly did her best to help reassure me, but I just wanted the knot in my stomach to go away. I tried calling the local police, but Bill works out of a very small town, and no one was answering at the station. I was running out of ideas, short of calling 911.
Before we went downstairs to breakfast, my friends gathered around me to pray. I immediately started hysterically sobbing. I was so scared I was going to be left without a husband, and my children without their father. I knew God's love and that He would provide, but that is not at all what I had pictured for our family. As they prayed, I felt myself calm down, but I still didn't feel peace inside that he was ok. So I started to mentally prepare for the worst.
Finally, at 8:00am, Bill texted that he was ok. He had worked through the night, and hadn't wanted to wake me. He never heard his phone that entire night. I was so relieved to know he was ok! I went immediately from that experience back to Freedom Hall where the conference was held, to hear a woman named Tammy Head lead the morning devotion. She spoke from Luke 2, about a woman named Anna. The Word says she was a widow of 84 years, and that she never departed the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. She went from being married, to suddenly having no husband at a young age, yet she continued to worship God. Tammy then spoke about an experience on a recent vacation, in which she stood on the beach, worshipping God, and then felt God lead her to some commotion on the beach where a man had been dragged out of the water, not breathing. With God's leading, she prayed over him that he may live through this. Instead, sadly the man died. Then, right after that experience, she went to a massage that her husband had previously scheduled. Tammy said, that's how life in Christ can be. We go from worship to warfare, then back to worship. I just sat in awe that this was the message I was hearing. The night before, I was worshipping with thousands of women, feeling the power and presence of the Holy Spirit heavily among us, then right into a night of fear and worry, and then straight back into worship again. I almost had to laugh out loud from the perfect timing- God was talking directly to me. He had tried to prepare me the night before for what I was about to experience, pointing out I John 4:18 to me over and over. What a glorious God I serve. I doubt I will never fear again- as I said, I am human and far from being perfect, but I pray that I will continue to trust Him more, no matter the outcome He has in store. I am treasured by the God of this universe, and that is enough.
I have been to several conferences over the years in my Christian life, but none of them have compared to this past weekend. There is something about breaking down the barriers of denominations (which personally, I think God hurts to see His people so deeply divided in this way) and worshipping as one body in Christ. It's like a hint of what's to come in Heaven- a place that I am ECSTATIC to see and experience for eternity.
I learned so much this weekend, and fell even more deeply in love with my Savior. I took notes like crazy, excited to keep them for future reference. I even read over them again Saturday night before going to bed in our hotel. Sadly though- I can't find my notes!! I even called the hotel while on the road to home once I realized they were missing, but the staff said that even after searching the maid's trash, they couldn't locate my book of notes anywhere. I'd like to think that God purposed for someone else to find and read them, and point that person to Himself. I'd hate to think I was simply irresponsible in losing them, and that no one will benefit from the notes! Thankfully I paid close enough attention to remember most of what was said by the speakers. I want to share so much, so this may end up being a three part blog series. I hope you don't mind!
That first night Kay Arthur spoke on God's love. She took us to Malachi, where the Lord told His people that He loved them. The people responded accusingly, "In what way have You loved us?" The Lord then patiently went on to explain just exactly how He loved them. And then, He was silent for the next four hundred years, leaving them His Word to recall His love for them. Until one day, an angel appeared to a man named Zacharias to announce the birth of John the Baptist,forerunner of Christ; and another angel, Gabriel, appeared to a man named Joseph, and announced the birth of a Son, Jesus, whose kingdom will have no end. I John 4:10 says, In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitation for our sins." Ms. Arthur expounded on Christ's sacrifice on the cross, describing in detail the physical torment He experienced that day, His body literally being ripped to shreds, His flesh hanging in ribbons. He was whipped, beaten, spit upon, and mocked. He was marred beyond recognition. At any point He could have summoned 10,000 angels- but He didn't. He went through it, even the death of the cross, for all for us. All for me. All for you.
The point of Ms. Arthur's message was this: Do you question God's love for you? Or do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, He loves you? If you do have doubts, you should also doubt whether you are truly saved. Anyone who has accepted Christ as their Savior understands His sacrifice, and His love- His deep, profound, breath-taking love for us. Oh, reader, how He LOVES you and me. He took our sin upon Him on that cross, so that we may have life in Him! When I sit and really think of His love, my eyes overflow with tears and I am overwhelmed. I have NO doubt of His love. God in His soverignty allows negative things to happen to us, and we may not always understand, but know this: HE. LOVES. YOU. He loves you!!! "In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him."( I John 4:9) I pray that anyone reading this who does not trust Christ will be stirred inside to know more, to seek Him, and to trust Him.
During Friday night's message, one verse kept resonating with me: I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." It was one of those things that as I listened, that phrase kept popping up- "There is no fear in love...perfect love casts out fear..." I would say that the verse repeated in my mind almost to the point of annoyance. I even prayed, "Yes Lord, I know- I trust you!" I have made strides in trusting my children in His hands, and I couldn't understand why He wanted me to pay attention to that verse, especially when it was evident that was not the main point of Ms. Arthur's message.
Later that night, I texted Bill before bed to see whether he was still working. The kids were sleeping at my parents', and I knew that Bill didn't like coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in our bed without me. The day that our oldest child Brooke was born, Bill wasn't allowed to stay overnight with me in the hospital, and so he gave my mom our bed that night because he didn't want to sleep in it without me. So sweet, huh? So I assumed Friday night he'd work as late as possible. He texted back he was working, and I asked him to text me when he got home. I later woke up at 3am and noticed he never texted me. I sent him a message, and no response. I immediately started praying, and I John 4:18 popped in mind. "I know Lord," I prayed, "he's in Your hands, but the human part of me is scared! Please let me know he's alright!" I've experienced instant peace before, and have felt the Lord telling me all was ok- but He didn't provide that peace this time. That made me even more scared and freaked out. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't, waiting for him to text. I tossed and turned and prayed the rest of the night. At 6:00am, I began calling and texting like crazy, but no response. I even called OnStar to locate our vehicle- the operator would only tell me that the airbags had not been deployed (small reassurance) but wouldn't tell me the location of the car unless the police were involved. I then called our neighbor to see if his car was in the driveway, but it wasn't. Bill doesn't have a desk job, and getting hurt with no help around is a true reality, so at this point I was pretty freaked out. I was keeping it inward, and my friend Kelly did her best to help reassure me, but I just wanted the knot in my stomach to go away. I tried calling the local police, but Bill works out of a very small town, and no one was answering at the station. I was running out of ideas, short of calling 911.
Before we went downstairs to breakfast, my friends gathered around me to pray. I immediately started hysterically sobbing. I was so scared I was going to be left without a husband, and my children without their father. I knew God's love and that He would provide, but that is not at all what I had pictured for our family. As they prayed, I felt myself calm down, but I still didn't feel peace inside that he was ok. So I started to mentally prepare for the worst.
Finally, at 8:00am, Bill texted that he was ok. He had worked through the night, and hadn't wanted to wake me. He never heard his phone that entire night. I was so relieved to know he was ok! I went immediately from that experience back to Freedom Hall where the conference was held, to hear a woman named Tammy Head lead the morning devotion. She spoke from Luke 2, about a woman named Anna. The Word says she was a widow of 84 years, and that she never departed the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. She went from being married, to suddenly having no husband at a young age, yet she continued to worship God. Tammy then spoke about an experience on a recent vacation, in which she stood on the beach, worshipping God, and then felt God lead her to some commotion on the beach where a man had been dragged out of the water, not breathing. With God's leading, she prayed over him that he may live through this. Instead, sadly the man died. Then, right after that experience, she went to a massage that her husband had previously scheduled. Tammy said, that's how life in Christ can be. We go from worship to warfare, then back to worship. I just sat in awe that this was the message I was hearing. The night before, I was worshipping with thousands of women, feeling the power and presence of the Holy Spirit heavily among us, then right into a night of fear and worry, and then straight back into worship again. I almost had to laugh out loud from the perfect timing- God was talking directly to me. He had tried to prepare me the night before for what I was about to experience, pointing out I John 4:18 to me over and over. What a glorious God I serve. I doubt I will never fear again- as I said, I am human and far from being perfect, but I pray that I will continue to trust Him more, no matter the outcome He has in store. I am treasured by the God of this universe, and that is enough.
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