Eyes of Peace

I was relaxing (if that's a word you can use twenty hours after giving birth) in my hospital bed, waiting for Bill and my mom to arrive. It was about 9am and they were going to be bringing me those scrumptious cinnamon and raisin biscuits from Hardees. Madeline was in the nursery, so I was soaking in the alone time. My amazing pediatrician, who I had known since Brooke's birth a year and a half before, then walked into the room. I smiled at her, and my heart immediately sunk to the pit of my stomach. She was smiling too, but mother's instinct told me something was very wrong. As she began telling me all the positive findings of the newborn exam, I couldn't hear her. I was impatiently waiting, and I wanted to yell, "Get to the part that is making your face look all funny!!" Then she told me. She found something wrong with Madeline's eye. She knew the name of the genetic disorder, but needed to do some more research before she could tell me more. From what she could remember, babies could fall anywhere in the spectrum between normal sight and complete blindness in the affected eye. The medical name rung a bell to me from my PA training, but I couldn't remember much more than that. Coloboma of her left eye- her pupil looked like a keyhole, and would for the rest of her life. The doctor promised she would research more back at her office and fax me some information.

I immediately felt the fear rise up inside me. No, she would never die from this, but blindness in one eye? This was heavy. I called Bill, and told him with a shaking voice that there was something wrong with her eye. I hung up the phone and cried out to God. I don't remember my prayer, but while praying, I immediately felt supernatural peace overcome my body. I couldn't explain it, but the fear was completely gone. Yes, my baby may be blind in her left eye, but God would take care of her. He knit her together in my womb, and the "mistake" that caused the deformity of her eye before I even knew I was pregnant was not a mistake at all. God had never removed His protective hand from her.

We had an appointment with a pediatric ophthamologist just a few days later, and in the days leading up to the appointment, I was more worried that Madeline hadn't pooped than I was about her eyesight. While the doctor examined her eye, knowing that in the next few seconds we would have the answer, my heart never sped up once. It was in God's hands, and I was satisfied with that knowledge alone. "She has vision in this eye- it is likely purely cosmetic." My mom and I were elated- thank you Jesus! I praise Him to this day that He spared her sight, but I would have praised Him even if He didn't. Madeline had to wear an eyepatch a few months later, but she has since been released from her routine ophthamology appointments. I still am concerned that she will be teased as she gets older, but she loves her unique eye, and I catch her staring at herself in the mirror as I walk by the bathroom.

I've experienced similar circumstances that have brought me to my knees in prayer before and since then- it is part of being a parent. My church is doing a women's Bible study with Beth Moore's series called Breaking Free. This week we looked at some of the benefits of a relationship with Christ, and one of those is peace. Here's a quote from Beth: "Peace comes in situations completely surrendered to the sovereign authority of Christ. Sometimes when we finally give up trying to discover all the answers to the "why's" in our lives and decide to trust the sovereign God, unexpected peace washes over us like a summer rain. We sometimes lack peace in far less strenuous circumstances because we are not as desperate or likely to turn them over to God."  When we are confronted with something so much bigger than ourselves, we cry out to God and completely surrender the situation to Him, like I did in that hospital room. But in the little things, like a newborn who won't poop, we try to handle it on our own, and not let the Prince of Peace reign in every area of our life. It's a daily commitment I make, but I don't always succeed. God, may I continue to surrender every part of me to You, and to remember Your promise of peace in all areas of my life. "...and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

She takes my breath away.



Homeless Smiles

This morning before church, I snapped some pictures of my kiddos. Bill and I didn't roll out of bed until 8:15am, but we all still managed to be dressed and ready  to go by 9:30am. I looked at how scrumptious the kids all looked, and decided an impromptu photo session was definitely needed. Isaac even volunteered to join in- no crying or wailing involved!

Brooke was distracted by her balloon.

Then Isaac wanted a picture of just himself and Lydia.

I'm not sure why he seems to always put his arm across her for pictures. Keeping her still?

Then, Lydia's turn.

 Cheese!

 It wasn't until we got in the car that I looked in the background of the picture below. Remember the Homeless Dyson blog post?

Lydia's dress was a gift made by my awesome friend Stephanie, and the hairbow was made by Amy (who else?). God gave me girls, and I enjoy making the most of it! Lydia is wearing shoes now- I haven't attempted footwear for her in a few months because she always chewed on them before- but lo and behold, she loves to look at these and keeps them on. (Can you tell I totally get into the whole "I've got girls!" thing?) Also, in case you are wondering, this photo shoot didn't even make us late for church. Bill and I are considering getting a new camera with a good lens- I have no formal teaching in photography, but fingers crossed that a more professional-type camera could help camoflauge a tiny bit of that fact. If you have a good camera and love it, please tell me about it!



Lydia Kate's Candy Shoppe Now Open!

Welcome to Lydia Kate's Candy Shoppe, now open to celebrate her first year of life! Are you ready to walk through the Candayland gameboard? Grab your sweet tooth, open the door, and walk into Peppermint Forest.

Inside Peppermint Forest, you are greeted with newborn photos of the birthday girl. Wasn't she a beautiful newbie?? God has blessed us beyond measure.

Be careful as you leave Peppermint Forest and climb past Gumdrop Mountains, leading you into Gingerbread Forest.

Here you can make licorice and fruit loop bracelets, and decorate gingerbread men!

Now enter Lollipop Woods, where you can color sheets of the Candyland characters, and decorate treat bags. Don't forget your toothbrush party favor!

Now on to Chocolate Swamp- filled with red velvet cupcakes (thanks Steph!) ice cream toppings, and of course, a chocolate fountain. My talented friend Laura made the beautiful signs throughout the house.

I made the banner above the window out of scrapbook paper.

We are almost to the end! The part you've been waiting for...

Candy Castle!!!

Made from scratch, with lots of love. 

My birthday girl! Amy made her dress and bow.

Lydia Kate- you are such a blessing to us. Your little personality is already blossoming- you love following your sisters and brother around, "talking" up a storm, and are attempting your first steps. I am so excited to see what the next year will bring!!

First Goodbyes

I need some blog therapy tonight. I was fine all day today- I played with the kids, made cookies, did some laundry, talked to Amy on the phone, spent time with a good friend and neighbor, and then- at 7:00pm tonight, as I put Lydia into her crib for bedtime-it hit me. This is the last time that I will lay an under-one-year-old baby into bed for the night. Ever. As I covered Lydia with her favorite brown and pink polkadot blanket that she has slept with every night since her first two days in the hospital, I started to sob. Crocodile tears- the kind that makes your mascara run. Shoulders shaking, I sat in the kids' bathroom and wondered where in the world this flood of emotion was coming from. Since June of 2006, I have carried a baby either inside of my body or in my arms without ceasing- that is, until tonight. No, Lydia will not miraculously begin to walk and talk in the next few hours, but she will no longer be considered an infant. For the past five years, being the mother of an infant has become a part of my identity- both to myself, and I am sure as well to others- and letting go of that identity is hard. Now listen, before rumors spread- I am not regretting the decision to not have more children- the no-trespassing/eviction notice is forever tattooed on my womb. That chapter is closed and I recognize that. It's just that tonight I'm realizing  this particular moment in time will soon be recaptured only in memories and pictures. The next time I put my hand on a pregnant mother's belly (with permission), I'll remember sitting on the couch in the first house that Bill and I ever lived in as a married couple, watching The Apprentice, when I felt Brooke kick inside me for the very first time; or screaming in line at Wendy's restaurant after the first hard karate kick from Isaac.  I will hold someone else's newborn in my arms, and smell that sweet new baby aroma, and remember back to when that was my own baby; I'll wonder how life passes so quickly, while thinking back to the moment that I met each one of my children for the very first time. I know that love at first sight really exists; I fully understand that, in a single moment a person can feel all of life's pain and then all of life's joys, willing to do it all over again just to hear that precious first cry.

Every first in my babies' lives has become a memory- the first smile, losing the cord, recognizing mama and dada, rolling over, moving out of the bassinet and into the crib in their own room(that has always been a big tear-jerker) sitting up, saying mama, holding a toy in their hand, playing with their siblings, eating solid food... I have loved every single milestone. And now I have to say goodbye to the first- year -of -life milestones. I'm sorry if I sound very dramatic at this point, but this has been my life for more than six years, and the time has truly been like a vapor.

My favorite saying in this part of my life is "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Honestly, I'm doing both right now. I am wiping away tears just so I can see the computer screen, but smiling because I recognize I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve. To Brooke, Madeline, Isaac, and Lydia- being your momma is an absolute honor, and it is a gift from our Father that I do not take lightly. I love you so much, and I look forward to raising you, teaching you, and enjoying each one of your many firsts to come. There will be the first ballet recitals, the first ballgames, the first Kindergarten graduations, the first grade school crushes, and the first sleepovers. You have so much childhood left, and I intend to soak up every second of it. And Lydia, sweet dreams my baby girl. I wonder how you will react to your first taste of cake tomorrow.

Animal Safari

While in Alabama a couple months ago visiting my bestest Amy and her family, we spent several days on various adventures around the area- the Montgomery Museum (FYI- it's closed on Mondays- best to find that out before spending over half an hour trying to locate it with Amy's awesome GPS skills), the Atlanta Aquarium (the largest in the world, and definitely worth the elbow-to-elbow traffic inside) and, most interesting of them all, the animal safari. If sweltering heat and giraffe slobber is your thing, than be sure not to miss this adventure the next time you head south. A big word of advice though- if you plan to not eat at the pizza place indoors, than I would suggest that you not picnic outside with the flies and ants swarming nearby. Your children may end up with more protein in their diet then you had anticipated.

The safari really was amazing, and I only got a smidge cranky once or twice due to the 100 degree heat mixed with the wafting aroma of animal feces. Here are some great pics of the adventure.

I know it's been artfully camoflauged, but if you look carefully enough, you'll see the van that we rode in for the animal safari. 

Eager little guys.

I bet this shot turned out beautifully.

The zebras were seriously gorgeous- if they didn't have such big teeth and excessive slobber, I would have tried to touch one.

Our children didn't know it, but the real reason behind this trip was so that Amy and Stephen could place a down payment on the dowry for our girls.

I'm sorry Amy- I'm sure this isn't your most favorite picture, but I would like to point out how happy and excited I am to be on this great adventure, and yet you yourself are not smiling. Perhaps your memory of my own grumpiness is a tiny bit off. I myself can't wait to return- though maybe in a month colder than August. 

Up and Down

I've been asked several times why I have not blogged in so long, and I'm finally back to explain my absence. It isn't because I became tired of writing, but because I wasn't ready to discuss a recent change in my life. While I don't feel it is a bad change, it is one that has required lots of prayer and reflection on what is best for my family. A few months ago, while working as an adjunct faculty member (teaching one hour a week- no typo: I said one hour) I was approached by the program with a full- time, tenure -track job opportunity. I immediately knew that a full time job outside the home was not an option for me, and let the college know that if they could consider making it part time, that I may be interested. To make a very long story short,  after several phone calls, meetings, negotiating, and praying, the full time position was tailored down to a part time position, and I accepted the job. I was elated- the schedule was flexible, and I would still be able to be active in my girls' elementary school and preschool. Assuming the job would turn into a career, Bill and I would not have to pay for college for our four children (tuition there is free for employees' dependents). Also, while Bill makes a salary allowing me to make the choice to stay home, having an extra income would allow us to pay off the mortgage at a very accelerated rate, which has always been a big wish of ours.

**Before I go further- I want to explicitly say that you will not find anyone less judgemental than me when it comes to "working" mom versus SAHM. I have been on both sides of the fence, and know that there can be overwhelming feeling of judgement from others- no matter what you choose. SAHMs can be made to feel that they "just stay home". (I hate that question, by the way. Don't ever ask a woman, "Do you work or just stay home?") Staying home full time raising children is one of the hardest jobs on the planet, and can be satisfying in and of itself. On the other hand, working moms can feel the condemnation from some SAHMs and other nosy adults. No one should take it upon themselves to imply to a mother that she is wrong in her choice. Wow, I'm rambling, aren't I...Here's my point- the following paragraphs are my own life story, and I do not judge what other mothers do.**

For the first two weeks with my new job, I couldn't stop smiling. I was home the majoirity of the time with my children and picking my girls up from school every day, yet was still getting out in the professional setting, using my degree, sitting at my desk in my own office, and feeling fulfilled in another area of my life. Then, after the honeymoon period wore off, I started wondering if I had made the right choice. It wasn't because I felt my children were suffering (my mom was taking care of them when I was away) but more to do with the fact that my title was gone. I could no longer say, "I'm a stay at home mom." That was more painful than I could ever imagine. Staying home with my children was such a gift- one that I had prayed for even before having children. I loved the fact that I got to be the primary person in my children's life, day in and day out. That isn't to say it wasn't exhausting. Some mornings I felt overwhelmed and burned out by the fact that I had the responsibility to not only take care of the children, but also the house and everything that comes with it- that the job never ends from the time you get up to the time you go to bed. When I first became a full time SAHM while pregnant with Isaac, I secretly struggled with this for several months. Working professionally as a PA, I was consistently commended for my work, and told what a good job I was doing. Suddenly leaving a job outside the home, I missed the affirmation more than ever. When you spend your days wiping noses and folding laundry, your baby isn't going to pat you on the back and say, "Job well done, Mom. That shirt was folded perfectly. And those dishes- wow, spotless."

These conflicting feelings made me wonder if I could ever let myself be content. When I was working, I wanted to stay home. Then I made the choice to stay home, yet consistently checked the want ads for PAs. Now that I was working again...I considered and almost quit twice in the past few weeks, because I was so unsure if I made the right decision. In this whole process, I prayed that if it was meant to be, that all the doors would open, and if not, that the door would slam shut. All the doors, and even windows, opened for me through this whole process. A career that has never been even considered part time in the past, was made so, and every single concern of mine was addressed and taken care of by the college. So to think that God would lay the plan out as such, with Bill and I both in prayer over the situation, I was so confused as to why the doors would open if it wasn't to be so. I will say this- with the exception of one horrible week where everything that could go wrong did, I have absolutely loved this new job, and have become a better mother for it in so many ways. I appreciate my time home with my children more than ever, am more "present" as they say, and still have that little piece of me that is my own apart from my role as mother and wife. I am so very blessed to have this choice to make, and remind myself of that every day.

A very sweet story before I end this post. Our son Isaac has some speech delay (he's not autistic in any way, but simply stubborn), and is working with a therapist. Three words he can say very clearly, and repeats often, is "up and down". When we ask him what he wants to pray for or what song he wants to sing, he says "up and down". Yesterday, while Lydia was napping and the girls were at school, I turned on Sesame Street. It isn't one of the shows he usually watches, and I'm not sure why I even turned it on, except to say that God must have been leading my hand on the remote. The subject of the show: Up and Down. For an entire 35 minutes, Isaac excitedly watched as Elmo talked about up and down, and sang up and down songs. I was floored at first, and then excited that our Lord had answered my little boy's nightly prayer for Up and Down. Thank you Lord Jesus, for using a little puppet named Elmo to make my precious boy's wish come true.

The Night Before Kindergarten

Dear Brooke,

You are sound asleep in bed, after hours of excited anticipation for the morning. Not only are you to be visited by the tooth fairy tonight, you will also be able to finally start kindergarten tomorrow. Mommy helped you pick out a special outfit from your closet tonight, and you helped pack your own lunchbox- applesauce, grapes, Life cereal, pudding, and a juice box. You can write your name, count by tens, read Dr. Seuss books, and recite the Pledge of Allegience. You have not stopped talking about school, and wanted to play school bus and teacher today. I even heard you whisper to your baby sister this afternoon, "It will be so much fun!"

While I know you will be in good hands, make wonderful friends, and have a great time, I have told you that you may see mommy cry happy tears tomorrow. I have protected you around the clock since you were formed in my belly six years ago, and it will be a very different experience to place you into someone else's hands.  I have tried to prepare myself for tomorrow, but a few tears may slip on by. I will be anxiously awaiting in the afternoon to pick you up at school and hear all about your wonderful day. In the meantime, sweet dreams, my baby girl. You are loved more than you know.

Love, Mommy