Pride and Pain

This is the ceiling above our master bedroom. It was one of the reasons we fell in love with our house. I didn't know at the time we bought the house that I'd one day have to stare up at that same ceiling for more than eight hours, unable to get out of bed. A couple weeks ago, I woke up at 6:15am to the alarm clock. When I turned my head to roll out of bed, I screamed out in pain- I am telling you: horrible, excruciating agony. Severe spasms over my left head, neck, and back richoted up and down with every millimeter of movement. All I could do was lay there and cry like a baby. Have you ever had a charley horse in your leg? That's the only thing I can compare it to; but then imagine that charley horse magnified times a hundred, and that it's impossible to massage out- it instead just keeps coming in horrible waves with no way to prevent them. I'll put it this way- I haven't made noises of pain like that since experiencing natural childbirth. Thankfully my mom was already on her way to our house because I was scheduled to go into work that day. She took care of both myself and the kids, and I was able to eventually make it out of bed to physical therapy. The elderly, frail women in the waiting room wanted to assist me- I must have looked more pathetic than I thought. That evening I went to urgent care where they gave me muscle relaxants. (Those muscle relaxants also caused me to pass out cold in the bathroom and scare my dear husband- apparently I stopped breathing; but that's a whole 'nother story in itself.) The lowest point I experienced was listening to my baby crying for me, and literally not being able to do anything about it.

Why tell this story other than to complain about my aches and pains from that week? Because this whole painful episode could have been avoided if I hadn't been so full of pride. And the sad thing is- I didn't even look at it that way until more than two days after waking up on that horrible morning. I even had the idea in my head that the devil was trying to kick me down so I wouldn't be faithful in the women's Bible Study we had just started the day before. I was too blind to see that God Himself was giving me a wakeup call.

I'm sorry- you are probably still confused as to what in the world I'm talking about. I'll explain. The day before my entire story started, I took myself and my four children to church while Bill had to work. Though Lydia is a year old, she weighs only eighteen pounds and is still in an infant carrier. We can't fit a coat on her in the car because she won't fit properly in the seat with it on. So that morning, I carried Lydia into church- carrier/blanket and all, along with my purse and two diaper bags- all the while holding Isaac's hand and watching the girls walk in front of me. Where does pride step in to all this? Because as I watched the many people walking past me, not once did I ask them for help. I didn't need anyone's help- I was doing just fine. I could handle everything on my own- no help needed. Three hours later, we were back in the car and on our way home, unaware that I was hours away from complete agony and helplessness.

Daniel 4:37-- "And those who walk in pride He is able to humble." I didn't choose to humble myself, so God did it for me. He chastens those that He loves, and He most definitely loves me. I'm determined now to break down that obstacle of pride even more than ever (not that I'm boasting!!) While laying there in pain for hours on end, I forced myself to pray and give God the praise, even when I didn't understand why. "Sometimes you praise Him first, and then you feel it later."--Beth Moore. I didn't know it at the time, but God was using this experience to show me an area of my life that needed attention. Sad thing is- I had this exact same painful episode one year before when Lydia was an infant. It too was caused by me not wanting to ask for help when I needed it. I wanted to have it altogether, and I believed that including not needing help. I didn't learn the lesson then, so I got a do-over. Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to discipline me as you do.